In a report done by The Black Sheep through merely existing on this campus for more than 1 day, we’ve found that on average, any frat party happening on campus will be 80% shirtless, out of 60 square meters of space at least 30 square meters will be sticky, and 100% of partygoers will be visibly and tangibly “sweating their ass off.” At least three females per party will be observed “pop-locking-and dropping” on a table and an average of five pledges will blow chunks in the backyard.
Those statistics stand unsurpassed in the realm of gross frat party studies. To get an in-depth look at just what it takes to throw a disgusting frat party, Charlie Hardon, sentinel/risk reduction chair at [REDACTED] “top house” at CU, gave the following statement:
“The key to an outright revolting frat party is the smell. Always make sure to get as many people as possible in a cramped space – we recommend two people per square foot – and make the music so loud no one can communicate. All they can do is sweat. It’s also very important to have a plentiful supply of cheap beer and Burnett’s so you get some really nasty smelling vomit in there as well. It really helps the brothers assert their dominance, given everyone already kind of doesn’t wanna be there, and now they’re forced to breathe in everyone’s BO and other bodily fluids.”
Sig Nu is infamous at CU for disgusting parties, including recent one they named “SNuglobe.” This party uniquely featured packing peanuts in a giant pit that drunken individuals would enter at their own will. Yes, the peanuts were sticky. No, it wasn’t beer.
CU’s frat parties don’t receive their merit simply from the lack of cleanliness. One such frat at CU is known for throwing sub-quality parties in which drunk souls can dance on their greasy stripper pole (which, in their defense, is actually super fun if you have enough alcohol in your system).
“Our parties wouldn’t be outright disgusting without a healthy dose of sexism as potent as the house’s natural, permanent body odor hitting our guests in the face the moment we open the door. As a frat, we don’t only strive to keep our sanitary standards low, but we also aim to be ultra-douchey, and feed our stereotypical masculine ego,” said the house’s president. “To achieve this, we make sure the only dudes that are in the house are brothers. We essentially need all the girls we can choose from to hook up with, even though all the brothers really just want to cuddle up with each other. No homo.”
CU’s high rank can also be attributed to the fact that the party goers have typically low standards. If CU freshmen simply hear “party” or “shitfaced” in an invite, their likelihood of attending such an event quadruples. Compared to rival school CSU, where a student usually asks where the party is, if it is safe, or simply admit to being too lame to go to a frat party, it seems the obsession with frat culture at CU creates a perfect atmosphere for revolting ragers.
So, congratulations, CU IFC! You never cease to impress the public with just how gross you are and how little people care. In terms of future parties, both individuals we interviewed look forward to the future of frat partying, and hope to make each party even more gross than the last. So, make sure to bring hand sanitizer the next time you hit the Hill, and pray to the sweet gods that the next time you go to a frat party, you don’t get mono.
WATCH: Here’s a real shocker: old rich white guys don’t care about women’s health.