When you write for such a serious, hard-hitting, non-satirical and highly esteemed journalism publication, criticism and jealous cries of “fake news!” are bound to plague your work. It’s a sacrifice that we as serious journalists have chosen to make for the sake of delivering the truth – the real truth – to our readers. And once we’ve finished crying in a corner and stress eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, even we can sit back, reflect, and appreciate a solid roast. Here are some of our favorite moments that made us proud to be Buffs.
5.) The Whistleblower:
We take accusations of legitimate sponsorship extremely seriously, considering it a bias that would completely discredit our ~journalistic integrity~. Sleep restfully to night knowing that The Black Sheep is in no way affiliated with Boss Lady Pizza or anyone remotely legitimate, believe us, if anyone ever offered us money/food/sex in exchange for an article we’d sell out REAL FAST. All endorsements are purely from personal opinion, and also because Cosmo’s is shit and no one is apologizing.
4.) The Straight White Male Online:
We deeply apologize to any fuckboy we’ve ever offended. We know your fragile egos will surely short circuit if faced with anything other than praise and sub ordinance. You mad? Good. Stay mad. Big ups to our girl in the comments for owning this fella. If you ever want to take your fuckboy roasting to the next level, hit us up.
3.) Someone Who’s Either Very Stoned Or Very Confused:
We love feedback. Your hateful words fuel the fire burning under every one of our asses, so don’t try to get away with some stupid ass comment with no coherent value to the world of roasts. We know you. You’re better than this. For God’s sake, use your college education! Cuase if ya’ don’t, you’re going to look real dumb.
2.) That Guy Who Always Expresses His Opinion Even Though No One Asked:
Are you trying to be funny? Leave trying to be funny to us, please. But in all serious, this is a good burn and a good point. People should read less in general. Reading sucks and is super boring and you don’t even really learn anything. You know what, we’re going to stop reading what we write too. Fuck it. Let’s take our shirts off and light some fires.
1.) The King Of Savagery:
Someone get us some ice for this sick burn. From this day forward, we will lay awake asking ourselves, “Did I even try?” And the answer will always be a very hearty, “not really.” No one tries anymore though right? Trying is for try-hards, and no one likes a try-hard. We’ll do our best to bounce back. This hurts but… we needed to hear it. We’ll
try harder do the same next time.
So just like the Boulder College Republicans begged everyone nary a few months ago when their crowned pedophile came to campus, “it’s important to hear both sides.” We’ve heard it, and we like it. It hurts so good. Never stop being savage, CU.
Need a study break? Listen to our podcast, featuring Elon Musk’s dog walker!