5 Alternative Tours to Take Your Parents On This Weekend at UD
Freshmen have had over a month’s worth of experience of puking in the communal bathroom and hooking up with Brendan from CR 3B in his creaky lofted bed. But now it’s time for Mom and Dad to visit Newark and take them out to dinner at Cafe Gelato. Parents may be excited to buy an overpriced sweatshirt at Barnes & Noble, or take you to the Christiana Mall for a tax-free shopping spree, but if you’re the kind of kid that wants to give them the real UD experience, take them on one of these 5 more creative tours instead of walking past the Morris Book Statue six times and calling it a day.
5.) Take your parents to the first place Blue Hens lost at home:
Impress them with you extensive knowledge of local history by taking them to the loss that started this 230 year losing streak. In the revolutionary war, the British Army strolled through Newark totally unharmed (according to prof Kauffman, over here). It’s a historic tradition for the opposing team to walk all over UD, and also for shit to go down on North Chap.
4.) Visit all of the places where Chris Christie ate over 2000 calories in one sitting:
Make up for a month of shoveling Pencader’s best down your gullet by living it up on Main Street. How do you think Chris Christie ended up how he did? He went ham every damn Parents Weekend, and every other weekend too. Christie was once such a valued patron at Kate’s that they named a Nacho special after him. But once this sold poorly they had to change it, and the order is now commonly known as the “Trashcan Nachos.”
3.) Take them on a tour you won’t come back from:
It doesn’t take long to figure out that UD is located in a sketchy freaking area. You may not notice as you are drunkenly walking home to George Read with a Phi Upsilon Kappa boy, but just wait until finals week when you walk home from Morris at 8 p.m., Newark gets shady. But if you walk in groups and use well-lit paths you and your parents will like, totally be fine.
2.) Tour of 10 apartments Biden did a walk of shame from:
Everyone loves our local celebrity and former VP, but only UD folklore can capture the true essence of the playa we dedicated a policy institute after. Take your parents to see all of the “rhymes with ‘wang’” properties on campus; you know he got it all over Newark when he was a dreamy undergrad.
1.) Tour of places Assanis wipes his boogers:
It’s inevitable. Your parents are gonna want to talk about school when they come. So tell them how nice your professor was when you saw him during syllabus week, then quickly distract them by showing them the multitude of places you have personally witnessed President Assanis wipe boogers. They will be amazed by his productivity and thoroughness.
Parents and Family Weekend is your chance to show your parents that you are fine and well adapted, so take them on these alternative tours of campus that practically only townies know about. They will love the local Newark Flavor, and be happy they pay out of state tuition for you to stay in such a vivacious neighborhood.