It’s the middle of the semester: your body’s caffeine levels are at peak percentages, but your grades aren’t, and midterms are coming. Because of this, you’re more irritable than usual, so it’s not exactly a walk in a park when a pack of slow-ass turtles (that is, parents and prospective students) led by an equally slow-ass turtle dressed in blue and khaki, decide to head in the same direction as you at 0.01 mph. Here are a few other things you’d probably rather get stuck behind at UD.
5.) Freshmen at the Academy Street crosswalk:
All you wanted was to go to Perkins and get a nice Dunkin’ iced coffee, but apparently, that’s too much to ask because confused freshmen have decided to congregate on either side of Academy, as if in open boycott of crosswalks. How dare they not clear a straight path between you and your caffeine addiction? Once you press through the crowd of frightened freshies, however, you’ll be rewarded with stupefied looks as they wonder how you magically ceased traffic. And you’d do it again just to assert your upper-classman dominance. Unfortunately, you can’t assert your dominance over a tour group, ‘cause you can’t fucking get in front of them in the first place.
4.) The train on North College Ave on your way to an 8 a.m.:
Laird Campus people know what we’re talking about. You’ve snoozed your alarm the perfect amount of times to still make it to class, but instead of being rewarded for your mastery in the art of productive laziness, you’re punished with the roaring monstrosity of a locomotive. Don’t worry. Even though you can’t hop over a tour group, you can hop the gate and run as fast as you can to the other side. If you get hit, well then hey— at least you don’t have to climb the stairs to your lecture on the third floor of Willard.
3.) The Rooney’s line on a Thursday Night:
It’s pitcher night! You’ve been ready since classes ended at 5:00 p.m., but your best friend has been struggling to get her fake eyelashes on for five hours. It’s fine, you tell yourself, it’s only 10. Even though you guys make it bright and early at 11, there’s still a line. Ok, fine—you trained for this! All you need to do is knock her out, cry about how she fainted, and hope the bouncer hurriedly ushers you guys in for some water (it’s not the worst idea). If that doesn’t work, then at least there’s a nice big pitcher at the end of this line that’ll make you forget about your PTSD from chemistry with Wingrave, although there’s no amount of alcohol that could make you forget about tour group torture.
2.) Tiffany, Sophia, Mary-Beth, & co. of the Lamb-Duck Thotas in a Smith Hall lecture:
At least this is a plague you can walk away from. Unless they’re sitting in front of the UD Capture and all you actually can’t hear anything other than how their weekend went.
1.) A horde of thirsty Joe Biden fans:
Legend has it that good ol’ Joe is humbly gracing the streets of mediocre Newark with his presence again next Tuesday. Sadly, chances are you didn’t get a ticket to the event, so your next best option is to huddle outside Mitchell Hall with the rest of the Joe-hoes and try to get a whiff of the same air he’s breathing. But don’t be so bummed. You wouldn’t want to lick a tour guide, but you can lick the seat that got to touch Joe Biden’s butt.
Forget about midterms. The real terror is that Parents Weekend is coming, and they will be touring. What’s more important: getting good grades, or holding yourself back from heckling a Blue Hen mom for stopping right in front of you to point in awe at our “majestic” fountain that hundreds of wasted kids have “fallen” in?