We’ve all been there: walking by the Main Street Galleria on your way to class when those damn sorority girls from Thota Kappa Ho shake their damn cans at you (get your mind out of the gutter). Then, you’re suddenly obligated to reach into your pocket and pull out that dollar you were saving for Dutches on your way home from class and drop it in. Sure, it’s for a great cause. Everybody loves UDance, but for fuck’s sake you’re just trying to walk to class and now they’re putting you in an uncomfortable situation. So, here’s how to avoid them.
6.) Volume up, eyes on the ground:
Just keep walking. Eyes down! Make sure to reach up and touch your left earbud so they definitely notice you have headphones in. This is the oldest trick in the book. You know you see them, they know you see them, and they keep trying to talk to you, but you rationalize your asshole-ish behavior by telling yourself that they didn’t know you were ignoring them on purpose.
5.) Have a talk with George instead:
We all know George, the loveable homeless guy who lives on Main Street. George is a nice dude, and he’ll have a conversation with just about anybody who’s willing. It sure beats having to talk to Brett and Todd, who are definitely huge charity guys.
4.) Drink a few slaters:
Being an dick is always easier when you’ve had a few cold ones. Stop into Grotto’s and have some drinks before you walk by them, and you’ll be able to blow them off with a completely clear conscience.
3.) Make use of the crosswalks:
Yes, just cross the street. This one seems so simple but it’s actually an accurate representation of what we, as college students, will do to avoid human contact with anyone that makes us remotely uncomfortable. Confront your problems? Say no to somebody? That’s absolutely not how we millennials do things and we’re not about to start now. Plus, “MAIN STREET, WALK SIGN IS ON,” is a lot easier to handle than some shrill girls yelling and shaking tin cans full of pennies.
2.) Stunt on the haters; buy a moped:
Because why not, right? Mopeds are a fun and exciting way to take your douchebaggery to a new level, and guess what? You’ll be going too fast for those canners to catch you ridin’ dirty.
1.) Actually donate to UDance:
It’s for the kids. The only tried and true way to get those relentless canners off your back is to reach into your likely-shallow pockets and pull out whatever you can find and drop it in the bucket. They might follow you on your moped, rip your headphones out, fight you when you’re drunk, or follow you across the street, but they’re sure to leave you alone if you donate.
They’re awful, annoying, the worst, but they’re doing it all for a good cause so every now and then, make sure to give a little to the kids. Just remind yourself of these tips so you don’t end up going broke giving all your lunch money to those fuckers.