As this painstaking semester comes to a close, spirits are at an all-time-low. So it wouldn’t be a totally unreasonable thing to ask UD for a Christmas gift this year. After all, our mere presence at this dumpster school is the gift that keeps on giving. Here are just a handful of things that we want in order to bring us some cheer during this holiday season.
7.) Complementary gallon-tubs of UDairy:
Nothing says “we’re sorry for making your life hell” quite like a gallon of candy cane forest cake that you can binge-eat instead of looking at your final grades on UDSIS.
6.) Just one successful football game, please:
It’d be nice if our football team wasn’t a meme, and if we could go to a game sporting blue and gold and a chicken and not feel ashamed about it. Drinking after game day just isn’t that great when you’re celebrating a 3-27 loss.
5.) A flash pass for the Smith Starbucks:
How are we supposed to try the new seasonal latte flavors if we can never beat the horde of caffeine-deprived white girls in Smith? By the time that we’d reach the front of the line, it’ll already be 2018. With a flash pass, we could get there in 20 minutes, tops.
4.) Reserved seating at Trabant:
Legend has it that 106% of students who pass through Trabant actually entered the building looking for an open table, but then realized half-way through that they were asking for too much. Well, all we’re asking for is a table with our names engraved in it and a personal, dedicated, Grottos-level bouncer to go with it.
3.) Stair lifts at Willard:
Ah, yes. This would really brighten up our holiday. Now we could get to class to online shop without the armpit sweat stains or the PTSD. Come on, UD, we’re being generous here. We could’ve asked for personal reindeer escorts, but we settled for this.
2.) A UD-themed dildo:
What? Some people have fetishes, and it’s important that everyone gets the gifts they deserve this holiday, even if it means that you’ll probably have to text your roommate an additional warning on your way home from class next semester. Santa might discriminate against naughty kids, but that doesn’t mean UD has to, if you know what we mean.
1.) That Sexy TA:
All we want for Christmas is that sexy TA. If UD is going to fail us in 6 out of the 4 of the classes that we took this semester, the least it can do is give us a fine piece of that Kirkbride TA as a consolation prize. We’ve been eyeballing it for months, and if we get it we promise to be careful, and not blow it in an academic building this time.
This is just the beginning of a long list of compensation that UD owes us in exchange for trying to ruin our lives this semester. As this shit year comes to a close, some may say that old worries should be let go, but we’re just not that mature. UD, hand over what you rightfully owe us.
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