Actual State of Delaware Breaks Off from North America, No One Notices
While the rest of the world had its eyes on a Delaware-sized iceberg breaking off the Antarctic Peninsula, researchers say the actual state of Delaware recently cleaved from mainland North America into the Atlantic Ocean.
Tuesday evening, the trillions of tons of irrelevant continental crust that comprise the First State suddenly drifted into the open ocean with more clandestine indifference than your dissatisfied FWB deserting your Harrington freshman dorm room.
“We were so focused on what was happening to the Larsen C ice shelf that we completely missed the giant crevasse forming along the western border of the First State,” explained University of Delaware geologist Roxford Jox.
Researchers remain puzzled as to how and why the entire state of Delaware suddenly decided to evict itself from the contiguous 48 states.
“It’s not surprising that this hasn’t attracted any media attention, though. This just goes to show that the nation views Delaware as little more than an object for size comparisons.”
Some speculate that the Delawarean continental crust is actually sentient and has gotten fed up with the lack of attention it receives from mainstream media and the rest of the world in general.
One conspiracy theory suggests Governor John C. Carney Jr. is seeking to expand the popular Delaware Beaches by bringing them to every edge of the state.
Another theory argues that New Jersey governor Chris Christie decided to visit his alma mater, but upon stepping foot in Delaware, the continental crust buckled under the sheer weight of his body and broke off.
“We definitely recognize that this is going to require a big change in lifestyle for many of us Delawareans,” stated Governor Carney Jr. “Nonetheless, we are at least glad that our societal isolation from the United States has now been matched by physical isolation as well.”
Despite drifting more than 50 miles from its original location in the span of 5 minutes, most local residents didn’t even notice the breakage from the mainland until they tried to cross into Maryland, Pennsylvania or New Jersey. Some students who went across the DE-MD border to pick up alcohol at State Line Liquors found themselves trapped in Maryland upon trying to return home.
“I was just trying to get my Rosé on, but now I find myself separated from home forever!” lamented University of Delaware junior CeeCee Larsen. “On the bright side, I guess this is as good of an excuse to finally transfer to Towson as I ever needed.”
While Delaware is no longer connected to the interstate railroad system on the mainland, freight trains continue as usual to traverse the railroad crossing at North College Avenue for up to half an hour at a time, although experts remain unsure how this is physically possible.