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”American Things” Are We Sure These Things Should Be Things?

What are American Things? If you asked any regular American Joe the Plumber, he might answer you with things like bald eagles, freedom, and George Washington. However, there is another brand of American Things that we, as True Blue Americans, are all aware of, yet might not be entirely sure of. These are the Things that make us think, “What is this? Why is this? How is this?” These are the commonplace American Things that don’t make a lot of sense, yet somehow feel indescribably right.

 

Using American-made “Let Freedom Ring” scented Yankee Candles as a unit of measurement; we will rank some of these American Things on their degree of “why is this?”

 

Decorative Soap: This is certainly a Thing that makes little to no sense. It finds the very reason that soap was created and then takes it away. Is there a practical use for this object? Is it merely for looking at with silent appreciation? Many Americans have found themselves in an unfamiliar bathroom, anxiously questioning whether or not they are allowed to touch this soap. We can only assume that the advent of this soap came about as part of a campaign to promote germs and disease.

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Frozen Yogurt: Is there a reason that this isn’t ice cream? Frozen yogurt provides yet another talking point for mothers who don’t allow their children to eat out of plastic containers. This Thing pretends that it’s innovative through its use of extensive toppings, as if ice cream cannot also handle bits of old fruit and tiny M&Ms. Frozen yogurt finds itself on par with products that capitalize on pretending to be healthy such as Diet Coke and quinoa. The existence of frozen yogurt provides evidence towards the enduring strength of capitalism in America.

 

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Impenetrable Glass Containers of Tri-Color Pasta: It is unclear whether this confusing Thing is for decoration or impractical food storage. The intentionally transparent container, along with its unbreakable seal, suggests that this pasta is never fated to be eaten. Studies show that America spends an amount of money every year to provide food and relief to countries that are suffering from food shortages. This pasta doesn’t seem to care.

 

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Febreze: Febreze makes places smell good. TV shows us that these places include sinister basements, subway stations populated by neglected dogs, and a teenage boy’s bedroom. However, there is a lesser known yet more effective alternative that threatens the very existence of Febreze, and that is actual cleaning. Why is it preferable to thinly mask an odor that clearly indicates that something is unsanitary, rather than to address the problem directly? Isn’t confrontation the American way? Has this product taken away from the traditional value of American aggression? This Thing also has several scents revolving around a citrus theme, which is just gross. Nobody wants their already unsanitary home to smell like an orange.

 

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The Magic Bullet Smoothie Maker: This object might seem like it makes a lot of sense. Further consideration about why the Magic Bullet exists will leave one questioning why they themselves exist. This object takes foods and turns them into one collective liquid. Why? What is wrong with eating these foods by themselves as solids, as God intended them to be eaten? The foods are just as healthy when they’re solids. Eating foods one at a time instead of in one garbled heap has never presented a problem in the eons that humans have been eating things on this Earth. The true purpose of the Magic Bullet is to make already-icky healthy foods even ickier.

 

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