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How to Deal With the Cleveland Ave Road Blocks That You’ve Known About for Months

Sure, we’ve all seen those big orange signs posted up on Cleveland and N Chap, they’ve been there for well over a month now, but has anyone actually taken the time to read them? Obviously not. Blue Hens have once again shown their blatant disregard for anything the City of Newark has to say by being surprised when Cleveland was closed off these past few weekends between 11 p.m. and 3 a.m.. Here’s how to deal with this inconvenience you had literally all the time in the world to prepare for but didn’t.

5.) Order Pat’s Pizza:
Yeah, we’re sure (ie: hoping) you haven’t had Pat’s since your Dirty Dickinson Days, but they’re your best bet on delivery right now. The construction workers aren’t letting you pass for any reason, not even drunk eats, so call them up and let them deal with the road blocks.

4.) Go back to your hook up:
We know, you were trying to slip out of there with a brand new shack shirt before he noticed/asked for your number but Cleveland construction workers haven’t been laid since 1983 so there’s no shot they’ll understand how hard it is these days to actually hang out with the person that just ate your ass.

3.) DON’T go back to your hook up:
If it was really that bad or you really just don’t want to have to deal with Slimy Connor rubbing his tongue all over your face for an entire night, just post up on his porch. Look around, there’s definitely some half finished shot guns that can hold you over until 3 a.m. You got this.

2.) Turn into a swamp person:
Pretty sure “go around back” is the only phrase these construction workers know. Do they know it’s a literal swamp behind Cleveland almost always? Obviously not. But if you really need an escape route, suck it up, hunker down, and be prepared to fight any unknown wildlife species you come across.

1.) Freak the fuck out on the workers:
Lose your shit. Like forreal. Nothing scares a middle aged construction worker more than a drunk girl yelling in his face. Use any excuse you got. “I left my straightener on!” or “I have my period!” are probably your best bets.  

Honestly, it’s 100% our fault for not setting up some sort of underground railroad system. We had all the warnings in the world, Blue Hens, we just were too fucked up to read them.

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