Despite Constant Diversity Promotion, UD Welcomes #1 Cause of College Women’s Self-Esteem Issues to Campus

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On Tuesday, hot pink joined the fray of UD’s classic blue and gold as Victoria’s Secret PINK teamed up with UDress to make all girls on campus cry. Despite ongoing promotions of diversity and acceptance appearing on the Green and in inboxes all over campus, the administration decided to squash all hopes of any woman at the university feeling good about themselves ever again by allowing UDress to invite a designer lingerie company to remind them of how bad their muffin tops look in $25 thongs.

To make matters worse, the event was dubbed a scavenger hunt; thus effectively not only ruining the self-esteem of participants, but also belittling their intelligence by inclining them to get on their hands and knees to search for bras and undies in grimy, woody areas such as the lawn in front of Morris Library.

The company further encouraged female students to peddle around for lingerie like impoverished prostitutes looking for a sexy new get-up in preparation for Friday night ragers on Benny and Cleveland streets, as if PINK’s exclusivity in hiring size quadruple-zero, B-cup models wasn’t enough.

“It was totally insensitive of them to allow such a brand to advertise on campus,” said junior women’s studies major Deborah Dally. “B-cup privilege exists, and anyone who can’t see that is just grossly ignorant, or has B-cups themselves. All boob sizes matter, and by bringing PINK to campus, the university pretty blatantly told everyone who doesn’t have B-cups that they’re ugly, unlovable troll monsters, and I think that’s disgusting. Nobody deserves to be called a troll monster.”

On the opposite end of the boob spectrum, Itty Bitty Titty Committee President, Iva Smallrack, tried to defend herself:

“I don’t see why people are being so ungrateful. This isn’t U-of-D-cup-wearers,” said Iva, clad in her freshly acquired PINK freebies. “Anyway, it’s not like it’s my fault that I fit perfectly into PINK’s stuff. I mean, look at this bra my friend got from the event but then had to give to me ‘cause it was too small–the market value is $59.50! Like honestly, quit the wah-wah from your tatas, girls!“

The Black Sheep then turned to members of the administration for their thoughts on what seemed to become a highly controversial campus event.

“What are bras?” asked a frighteningly confused-looking University President Assanis.

We moved on to the next, most knowledgeable administration member who was more fit to answer questions about the problems that this event posed for University of Delaware women’s mental health.

“I think they should all just stop wearing bras and that would eliminate the problem completely,” said Joseph Shrug, 59-year-old male dean of students. “Plus, it would make campus a lot more…perky… if you know what I mean,” he concluded with what our reporters believed to be a really gross wink.

Following his statement, all of the other administration members lined up to be questioned agreed with him and went home.

It appears that The University of Delaware has taken one step forward and two steps back with this fun, turned controversial event for lady hens in terms of its weaker efforts to promote diversity. Now all students need is a classic apology email from the president to make things right again.