6 Ways to Get Around the New Street Shortcut Without Getting Arrested
It might’ve taken some time, but once you found this shortcut you were cutting 500 steps from your MWF commute or getting to the post game on Choate after a dage on Brick Row by rolling through the graveyard on New Street. Either way, the shortcut has been trampled on by Blue Hens for years. That is, until the authorities started noticing how many students were quite literally dancing on graves. This summer, construction crews built a wall so high and strong that even the juiciest herd of frat boys couldn’t break it down. Here are 6 ways to get around the most inconvenient thing to ever happen to lazy North campus residents.
6.) Zipline to the Lil Bob turf:
There are plenty of trees surrounding the shortcut, so run to Cabela’s and pick up a zip line, hook one side of the rope up to a tree and the other to one of those big lights on the turf behind the Lil Bob, and you’re golden. The turf is soft and squishy, too, so your landing will be painless, we can’t say the same about the night class you’re headed to in Willard though.
5.) Have the student who coughs all through your UD Capture killed:
You’re not sure if they took a huge bong rip right before walking into Smith or if they’ve just been sick for 2 months, but UD would be a lot quieter if you just killed ’em. And where else would a Blue Hen be buried besides the New Street graveyard? Pluck some flowers on your way to the dage to leave for them, and when the police try to accuse you of trespassing, just scream at them to let you grieve in peace.
4.) Buy a helicopter:
There’s definitely a helicopter rental place somewhere around here, so bite the bullet and pay the bills. You’ll at least breakeven with how much you’ll save on Ubers all the way down to East Park anyway. And, rumor has it Joe Biden loves to do personal helicopter races against fellow Blue Hens.
3.) Call Uber Leroy:
You love him or hate him, but either way you know him. He’ll have you riding all over Newark with Party in the USA blaring, and those interior lights blinding all other drivers on the road. Make sure to fix yourself before he arrives, though, because this local legend is known to take a selfie or two!
2.) Become a squirrel:
UD squirrels are a species of their own. They are known to take life threatening risks, like running in front of bikers on the Green and flying from tree to trashcan. A squirrel would have no problem scaling the wall and conquering the shortcut. We’re sure there’s some science behind this process, but we’re also sure you have an engineering friend that could help you out with that.
1.) Get a job at the cemetery:
Although we’ve never actually seen anyone taking care of the grounds, someone must, right? So just go to whoever is in charge of that little cemetery, submit your resume, and you’ll be trespassing through it at 2 a.m. on your way home from Kate’s without a care in the world.
Hopefully these tips will have you living your laziest life! If none of these options work for you and you’re just too lazy to take those extra steps, attendance only counts for like 10% of your grade and the court fines are only like $150.