5 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Main Street Bars When Everyone is 21 Except You
We’ve all been there: spending thousands of dollars on our roommates’ 21sts, covering our homes with the entire Party City inventory, getting them the perfect drunk, just to stay home, clean up, and cry yourself to sleep again. But you don’t have to do that. Here are 5 ways to try and get in to but definitely get kicked out of our beloved Main Street bars once your 8th fake ID has been taken, your birthday isn’t for another month, and you’re feeling particularly bold.
5.) Go to Grotto’s for lunch, never leave:
Rumor has it, they have great lunch deals. Post up in a back corner booth and order enough mozzarella sticks to feed an army. You’re going to need them. Maybe bring any homework you have too, because you will be there well over 8 hours. And before the bouncers did! Until they realize no one there on a normal night has their laptop and they kick you out, eating the rest of your mozz sticks the whole time.
4.) Ask the Homegrown bouncers to for a cig:
This one is cool because more than 80% of the restaurant will pull one out. If you’re really trying to spark up a conversation (see what we did there?) ask for a lighter too. You don’t even really have to smoke it, just light it and ash it every so often while you talk to them about their tats and beards. But when they realize you’re too much of a weenie to smoke a cigarette they’ll know you’ve got to go. At least you got a few phone numbers of some 60+ vegans!
3.) Move into an apartment above Kate’s, cut a hole in the floor, rappel down:
This option might take a little more planning than the others, so if you have a late birthday and know all your friends will become bar people before you. The major downside is they’ll for sure notice the hole and you’ll have to put those middle school rope-climbing skills to good use. But it’s worth the story.
2.) Buy a motorcycle:
All you need is a motorcycle to get in to Deer Park. If for some reason you can’t afford the latest Harley Davison, the alternative is to buy a leather jacket and iron on some patches (preferably skulls and roses). But biker gangs tend to be pretty close-knit groups, so they’ll kick your scrawny-ass out before the bouncers can even get to you.
1.) Become part of a band:
This option is really your best because this gets you in to almost every bar on Main. Grain? Of course. Santa Fe? Sure. Rooney’s? Absolutely. All you have to do is become musically inclined by the weekend. Now this one won’t have the bouncers kicking you out, you’ll just be flocked with potential mates and leave on your own accord.
Sometimes you just have to wait until the sweet day comes that you get to walk up to the Grottos bouncer with you ID proudly stuck to their forehead using (hopefully) your own saliva.