It has been confirmed through too many bikini Instas and drunk snap stories that half of UD spent last week boozin’, cruisin’, and bruisin’ and the other half spent it ripping shots of their parents’ liquor in their childhood bedroom. But what about the old heads and OGs that keep this campus running? Here’s a list of what we’re sure the faculty and staff did while we were gone based on their departments:
7.) College of Agriculture and Natural Resources – Cow Tipping:
Using their however many acres of farmland, this faculty spent their spring break doing what they do best: tipping cows and getting plowed. Students who have returned to the grounds for classes this week have even reported finding marijuana remnants all over the fields. When approached for comment, the faculty just giggled and munched on UDairy double scoop.
6.) College of Arts and Sciences – Theme Parties:
Using their creative minds and access to every building on campus, this faculty threw a different themed party every night of the week. Newark PD had to report to 4 of their events, with the most out of control being their Saturday night paint party. Remnants of CAS’s creative chaos is now being shown to tour groups as “research art projects”.
5.) Alfred Lerner College of Business and Economics – Gambling:
This group of faculty probably needed a break more than anyone else on campus given how much they butt-fuck their students in the weeks leading up to it. These professors spent their week off finalizing their bets for the Final Four and downing Slaters like it’s nothing. They love Grottos’ high speed WiFi but hate when all of their stressed-out students take all the good tables, so they use Spring Break to get in some quality Tos time.
4.) College of Earth, Ocean, and Environment – Naked Roaming in The Wild:
Just like the one friend in your group that “really wanted to plan a fun trip but just didn’t get around to it”, these profs really dropped the ball on spring break. They decided to venture out into the wild wilderness of White Clay Creek for a few days without their students annoying them by trying to learn. The professors were finally able to enjoy the environment for what it’s made for: being naked and playing in streams.
3.) College of Education and Human Development – Adult Shit:
Since they spend so much time dealing with toddlers and college kids who still act like toddlers, this college decided to have a sophisticated spring break sipping Manhattans and discussing adult things—like taxes and politics. While the teachers were still sporting their iconic macaroni necklaces and bifocal glasses, they went a little crazy and left their lesson planners and talking sticks at home.
2.) College of Engineering – Robot Building (nerds):
This faculty admitted to spending much of their free time leading up to Spring Break creating a robot that would bring their drinks to them while they lounged around the Green. In fact, they created enough of the robots that they didn’t have to leave their location on the Green for the entire week. Pizza robot? Got it. Pot robot? Got it. Party robot? Definitely got it.
1.) College of Health Sciences – Very Unhealthy Things:
The College of Health Sciences will never admit to what they did over Spring Break, but reliable sources say this faculty was spotted doing literally everything they tell their students not to do: drinking, smoking, unprotected fornicating, living life. Main St. bouncers commented that they were scared for not only their lives, but the lives of the faculty themselves.
So if your professors have been a little rude to you this week, try to be understanding. They’re still hungover too.