A study released last week by top environmental scientists warns that invasive flocks of roaming freshmen present a danger to the indigenous population of Newark. Written by a team that included University of Delaware professor Shelby Pharaoh, the study looked at the recent surge in freshmen and how they affect the greater Newark area.
“The larger-than-normal influx of freshmen has created an ecological disaster,” the study claimed. “Townies are seeing their migration paths blocked by huge waves of 18-to-19-year-olds, and upperclassmen are being crowded out of their traditional watering holes despite the fact that the freshmen aren’t even old enough to drink.”
The study highlighted the danger caused by the giant flocks many of the freshmen travel in. “During Friday and Saturday nights, these freshmen were observed banding together in groups of thirty or more, attempting to gain entrance to, and take valuable resources from, the homes of natives,” read the study.
“The flocks cause considerable inconvenience, and sometimes even harm, to those around them. They show a propensity for crossing the ecologically vital Main Street in non-sustainable ways, cutting across the road in random locations and backing up indigenous traffic for hours.”
Other sections of the study indicated that these freshmen would sometimes wait on the side of the road while a car came towards them, waiting many seconds after they could have safely crossed, and then suddenly deciding that now would be a great time to cross and jumping out just as the car is close enough for maximum annoyance.
“We hope to shine a light on what is becoming an increasingly critical threat to the town of Newark,” said Pharaoh about the study. “For too long, we have ignored their ever-growing numbers. Even last year, when they stumbled into the streets to bravely show their support for the corporate-manufactured displays of binge-drinking, we did nothing to stop them.”
“It has gone on long enough,” she said. “And that’s why we are advocating the extermination of the invasive freshmen population once and for all.”
Support for the study’s recommendation has already reached community leaders.
“It may seem radical, but we really have no other choice,” said Newark City Councilman Jack Pyres. “We have to round them all up on the green, put a plastic dome over them, and fill it with poison gas.”
“That’s just a thought. Of course we’ll have plenty of time to discuss other ways to kill them all.”
Like Pyres, many of those in favor of the proposal say that there are no viable alternatives. One of those people is state senator Devon Skoria.
“Stopping the freshmen another way would mean knowing why they came here in the first place, and no one can think of a reason,” he explained. “Many of them come from locations like Long Island and New Jersey, and pay over $30,000 a year in tuition alone just to live in a forced triple. And we’re not even a vibrant enough community to sustain an IHOP.”
“The only choice we have is to implant their brains with chips that compel them to march like lemmings into the sea,” he concluded. “We’re still working out an actual way to finish them off.”
Although it seems all but certain that the invasive freshmen population will be exterminated in the upcoming months, whether by fire, electricity, or some sort of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome-style fighting circuit, at least a few of those involved recognize the gravity of the decision.
“I made a lot of money off of those out-of-state freshmen,” University of Delaware President Patrick Harker said. “But it’s tough decisions like these that prove why I make the big bucks.”
“I am the highest paid public official in the state,” he continued.