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Live Blue Hens at Football Games to be Cooked & Eaten if Students Don’t Show the F*ck Up

 

This season, the University of Delaware athletic department decided to feature live blue hens at football games in a feeble attempt to attract student fans. Shockingly, college kids aren’t super interested in poultry and student attendance has reportedly dropped since last season, pre-hen. We didn’t fact check that, but it’s reasonable enough to assume.

 

“If students don’t start fucking showing up to games, the blue hens will be killed, cooked, and consumed,” an announcement was made this past week. Since the blue hen experiment didn’t quite go as planned, the school has grown tired of paying to take care of them. 

 

Multiple sources have confirmed the leaked news that the blue hens will be taken to the local KFC and used in a special “meet Chris Christie night” promotion, where UD alumnus will ceremoniously eat them.

 

We reached out to hen keeper and tailgate chair, Debbie Sparkles, who had just recently heard the news, for comment.

 

“They’re using my babies as leverage,” said an emotional Sparkles “I’m devastated, but hopefully lives being on the line will convince students to come out to football games.”

 

Most students, many of which haven’t been to a football game since their first one of freshman year, weren’t exactly galvanized by the ultimatum.

 

“Football games here are a major bummer.” said Sophomore leadership major, Brock McAllister, “I hit a game up once, but I lost my buzz halfway through, it was bullshit. I’d rather see my political hero Chris Christie eat blue hens than watch them play football.”

 

 

Some students, like fifth-year senior Sammy Fleetwood, expressed an affinity for animals, but not fowls in particular.

 

“Like, aren’t blue hens just chickens? Chickens totally creep me out. I really love puppies though, if they brought puppies to the game I would def go.”

 

Junior transfer student Anna McCoy, who admittedly hasn’t made many friends yet, expressed plans of going to the game, hoping to keep the hens alive.

 

“Oh, no. Those poor hens. I guess I’ll go to the game this weekend, it should be fun! I loved football games at Alabama.”

 

Several reports suggest that PETA could be attending this week’s tailgate to protest what they call “a gross violation of animal rights.” We reached out to the athletic department for a response, but the best we could do was student intern Tim Jennings.

 

“Bring it on.” Said a fiery Jennings who then hung up the phone for some reason.

 

President Assanis had no comment on the controversial situation, but there have been whispers that he is mulling it over while writing an email to the UD student body about diversity.

 

It is unclear whether UD will really go through with shipping the blue hens off to be turned into sandwiches, or if this was just a big publicity stunt to pray on the sentimental nature of millennials. Regardless, it’s clear that UD isn’t playing games when it comes to the support of the football team. They’re doing decently well this year, apparently, and the school wants to make sure students show up to see it while it lasts.

 

 

 

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