You waited until the 3rd week of school to buy your textbooks, and it’s too late to get them at an ordinary price on Amazon or at Lieberman’s, so your only choice is Barnes and Noble. Just the thought of this lavish, overpriced resort for textbooks makes you cringe. But you may be in luck this year, because instead of selling you textbooks for money, the Barnes & Noble on Main Street has announced that they will now suck your soul right out of your head as a cheaper alternative!
What was once an empty textbook pick-up area has recently become filled with lines of soul-bearing students all the way out the door and down Main Street; and additional soul-sucking booths have been placed in various areas around campus in order to help with the overflow.
“The students just don’t come anymore,” Lieberman’s cashier Megan Miller told The Black Sheep while standing behind the desk in the deserted store. “I guess our wide array of new and used books at competitive prices just doesn’t compare to having your soul removed for free books.”
Mark Smith, a UD sophomore from northern New Jersey, was more than excited to have his soul extirpated if it meant he could get his textbooks for free for the semester. “This is just the greatest thing to happen in my time here at UD. My parents only gave me a million dollars for my allowance this year, so I had to seriously cut back on spending. But now I can get my textbooks for free!”
When we asked if Smith thought the trade-off was too steep a price, he scoffed and said, “What even is a soul? I don’t remember learning about it in my anatomy and physiology class. It must be one of those organs you can live without, like a kidney.”
Barnes & Noble even agreed to give The Black Sheep an exclusive look at one of their soul-sucking machines. “The student won’t even feel a thing, and then bam! We own their soul,” said store manager Jennifer Diaz. “We boil them together and make a soup! It’s delicious.” she explained when asked what exactly Barnes & Noble plans to do with students’ souls.
Ever since the bookstore introduced this new way to pay last week, reportedly over a thousand students have already surrendered their souls. According to Dr. James Tracy, a sociology professor, the soulless students’ lack of psyche, inspiration, and energy actually has had a positive effect on the quality of their work.
“They never ask questions or come to office hours anymore. Nobody even questions me— they just blindly memorize and regurgitate everything I tell them. It really is the perfect way to spend my tenure,” Tracy told The Black Sheep.
While none of the soulless students were available for comment due to the inherent lack of brainpower to comprehend our interview questions, the new deal at UD’s Barnes & Noble seems to have good reviews among the university community. So head on down to Barnes & Noble for your textbooks this semester, just a small price to pay for academic resources and intelligence!
For those about to rush, we salute you: