Last Thursday, McKinly Lab burned to the ground in the late hours of the day. The lab went up in flames at around 5 p.m., and the fire didn’t cease until the entire building was reduced to ash and rubble.
Luckily, everyone escaped after ignoring all previously established fire procedure plans. Instead, students frantically ran out of the building, pushing and shoving each other because dying three months before graduation would mean their last four years of academic hell equivalent to the cost of their family’s homes was essentially for nothing.
It wasn’t until after a complete investigation that firemen and on-scene policemen were able to state, without a doubt, that the fire started in a lab after an experiment had gone terribly wrong. The labs in McKinly are accessible to students at all times because assigned labs always take roughly 16 hours to complete. It wasn’t until Sunday morning that UD senior Greg Talvo came forward to take the blame for the botched experiment.
“I just really wanted to impress Bill. Ya know, Bill Nye the Science Guy? He’s coming to campus on the 21st and I wanted to do something special for him. He’s a legend, especially for us science majors. I felt like I wanted to stand out from the crowd and make him notice me. Then maybe he’d adopt me and give me my own show so I don’t have to dress up in business casual and go to all of the career fairs.”
Talvo’s experiment involved the same equipment used to make an atomic bomb capable of destroying the entire planet, but according to him, he was just trying to make fireworks that spelled out “BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL…”
“I swear I wasn’t trying to kill everyone on Earth and destroy the planet.” Greg claims. “I just got so excited at the chance of impressing my childhood hero and got a little carried away…does this mean that I’m not gonna graduate on time?”
Police are still baffled as to how Greg even got a hold of enough materials to create an atomic bomb. When questioned, Greg simply answered, “Amazon. I have prime, so it all came the next day.” Since his interview, After accepting that he will no longer be walking with his friend in UD’s Spring graduation, Greg has found solace in getting an extra year of free Amazon Prime since he’s still technically a student.
To ease the tensions of worried students, University of Delaware’s President Ass-Anus sent out a mass email saying “As I’m sure many of you have heard, the University had a close call in McKinly Lab this past week. At our prestigious university, we take the attempt of creating an atomic bomb capable of causing the world to implode, very seriously. Steps are being taken to properly punish those that were involved. I know that all of you are very excited about Bill coming, but please try not to destroy the world in the meantime. The world hates millennials enough as it is already.”
Luckily, Bill Nye The Science Guy is still on track to visit the university this Tuesday. Although, he won’t have a spectacular show to watch featuring his name exploding in the sky. However, he’s still getting paid by the university, which often proves more valuable in every situation.
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