Last Wednesday, The University of Delaware announced that another gym would be built on campus. Officials explained that it is meant to serve the extremely overpopulated student body a better and less crowded athletic experience. The new gym is scheduled to be built at the exact middle point between the Little Bob and the Big Bob, and called “The Medium Bob.”
“Some students find The Little Bob too small and concentrated, while other students are intimidated by the size and the athletes of The Big Bob. The Medium Bob will be perfect for those who don’t like extremes,” said the University of Delaware’s Provost in an interview.
“It will allow those students who always want that mediocre workout in between, to have exactly that. It will be located directly in between the Big Bob and the Little Bob. Unfortunately, Memorial Hall is also located at the exact middle point between the two preexisting gyms, so we’ve decided to build the new gym above Memorial Hall. We’re going to invest 4 million dollars into building our students a state of the art tunnel system that sucks them up into the gym so they don’t get worn out, walking up all those hypothetical stairs. Just thinking about it makes me want to take a seat!”
Sophomore Melissa Chapp cannot wait for the new Medium Bob fitness center to open up on campus. “I always felt like I’ve resonated with Goldilocks and her quest to find the middle choice of everything. She likes the lukewarm porridge and the chair that is just right. I think the Medium Bob will be that just right porridge for me! Also, it’s closer to my dorm on the South Green which is perfect walking distance so by the time I get there, I won’t be too tired to work out like I always am when I get to the Little Bob.”
Other students are less than impressed to hear that their tuition money is going toward a high tech human sucking tunnel for a third athletic facility on campus.
“I can’t believe that our President feels the need to spend millions of dollars so that students can be sucked into a tunnel to go to the gym. Is that even healthy? Also, how do we have this technology?” Asked Junior Brent Halloway. “I’m all for another gym because whenever I go to the Little Bob I stand in line for machines longer than I spend working out on them, but I don’t understand why we need to use NASA technology to install it. We could just put the new gym on North Green and no one would question if it was the exact middle point. And again. How is this even possible?”
Halloway was later spotted being forcibly gagged, bounded, and thrown in to the back of a UDPD police vehicle.
The Medium Bob will also feature marble statues of President Ass-Anus to serve as a reminder that he can choose to do whatever he feels fit with our tuition money. The gym is expected to open up some time toward the end of the 2017 Fall semester, but is expected to cost the university millions of dollars in future repairs for years to come.
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