Financial confidence is at an all time low at UD. Recent surveys show that 81% of UD students are now “so broke that they’re not even allowed on Main Street anymore,” 56% had to cut back on purchasing Snap Pizza to only once a year, and 24% have dropped out due to an inability to keep paying tuition. But what exactly is causing this financial upset at the University of Delaware?
“It’s those damn Girl Scouts,” explained a teary-eyed Finance major, Susan Cuoco. “They think they’re sooo cute with their little green vests and stupid badges. Well, is there a badge for ‘Best Bully?’ Because it’s pretty frickin’ rude of them to wave cookies in my face that they know I can’t afford. Like, what the hell?”
“They don’t even have to try to make me feel bad anymore,” chimed in a senior Marketing major. “Yesterday, one of those lil’ shits just held up a sign that said ‘Buy cookies here.’ Any marketing student knows that’s girl scout code for ‘Come get your cookies, you fat fucks…Oh wait, you can’t afford them, you poor idiots!’”
Other interviewees have stepped forward with testimonies about how the Girl Scouts’ “reign of cookie terror” has completely taken ahold of their lives. One states that she spent two hours in front of a cookie-stand begging for a discount box of cookies, to which the Girl Scouts just “laughed and threw dirty pennies” in her face.
Another reports that the closest thing to money that he has left is a picture of his old wallet on his bedside table, because he traded it over to the little girls for “one measly half of a thin mint.”
“Why haven’t we cut ties with the Girl Scouts yet?” replied President Assanis when questioned about his apparent negligence of the self-esteem of his students. “I’m sorry, but the University of Delaware can’t just focus on two things at once. Our priority for the past 100 years has been diversity, and we’re finally almost a third of the way there. Also, it would be terrible PR – what kind of demon is going to send away innocent little Girl Scouts?”
Indeed, the Girl Scouts are here to stay. Photo evidence even shows that Dunkin’ Donuts has gone so far as to team up with the Girl Scouts in order to further intimidate students about their lack of finances. With both cookies and cookie-flavored drinks, it is difficult to imagine that the students can even open their eyes on campus without being ridiculed about their contentless wallets. It appears that the Girl Scouts, and not the Towson Tigers as previously believed, have been the real enemies of the Blue Hens all along.
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