President Harker Announces Tuition Increases to Finance Annual Money Bonfire

author-pic at University of Delaware  

In an email to students Sunday, President Harker announced an increase in tuition for both in-state and out-of-state students for the 2014-2015 school year in order to fund the University’s 17th Annual Money Bonfire.

“Due to unforeseen expenses, the excess budget, which is normally set ablaze around a crowd of screaming, primal professors and deans, has been reallocated to the construction of new dormitories,” the email read. “However, the executive board and I decided it was in everyone’s best interests to raise tuition about a hundred dollars a student in order to finance this event.”

Featuring dancing women, feats of strength, tests of pain, and 1.7 million single dollar bills, the bonfire is set to take place at the fall equinox under the veil of darkness, outside of Memorial Hall with the sound system set up.

“I decided to raise tuition for this for two reasons,” President Harker told The Black Sheep. “The first is that it’s a great bonding experience for the faculty and me. The deans and professors come, open some beers, sacrifice a village virgin and drizzle her blood into some post-docs’ mouths, and have a great time. The second is that it’s really fucking metal.”

The bonfire, which will also reportedly include roasting pigs, dances for prosperity, scarification rituals, and beach volleyball, is not a tradition exclusive to UD. “NYU used to cost thirty grand a year before they started theirs in ’68, and from there it spread to other schools,” Harker said. “They did it first. Usually we dare to be first, but they beat us to it that time,” he added, staring at the ground forlornly.

Professors say they were very happy to hear the news that the bonfire would continue as scheduled. “I love it,” said women’s studies professor Ginny Hall. “I love having all the teachers together, the barbeque, the way the money smells, talking about our summers, watching it all burn, singing songs, getting that tingly feeling in your chest as the flames spread and the smoke rises… it’s a nice welcome back.”

“Raising tuition was the only possible way to do this,” said UD Chief of Operations Nate Herman. “It’s impossible to cut costs at such a price-efficient school. What else could we have done? Not keep the lights in the library on twenty-four hours a day?”

In his email to the student body, Harker wrote, “The executive board and I were able to find no other outlet for this cost other than an increase in tuition. The stock ticker in Purnell, the dry erase walls in the ISE lab, and Aaron Carter were all unavoidable costs for our university.”

“The bonfire is actually fairly low cost, relatively speaking,” Herman added. “Currently, UD is undergoing a three-million dollar initiative to make sure every desk has wheels on the bottom of it, and so every table is either a circle or interlocks in some way. Basically, we want classrooms at UD to look like what someone in the 1940s would think the 2010s look like.”

Harker seconded the sentiment. “I saw A Clockwork Orange a while back and I really liked how everything looked, so I decided to model the school I run after it,” he commented. “I have this whole idea for an entrance, where I slide down the pile like the Joker in The Dark Knight, only I’m not wearing real pants.”  

“I just don’t know if it can top the silent disco. I mean, I went insane at that thing.”