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ProUD Club Expanding Training to More Exotic Wildlife, UD Professors Pissed

 Recent reports suggest that, much to the dismay of professors and faculty members, the Puppy Raisers of the University of Delaware have decided to make a drastic change to their program – now they will not only offer the option to raise adorable fluffy puppies, but exotic wildlife as well.

The president of the ProUD organization stated that “people love dogs and that’s just a known fact. But we thought it would be a great idea to add in other animals from the wild kingdom.” She went on to say, “personally I’m looking forward to the hippopotamus, I think they’ll be fantastic seeing eye dogs… I mean hippos.”

Although most students seem excited for the change, professors are reportedly fuming at the idea of having these animals roaming around in their classrooms. We went out and spoke to various professors who are planning a protest including Mark Smith, a geology professor who is in charge of organizing it.

“How the hell do you expect a full grown rhinoceros to fit in the doors of Kirkbride?” Professor Smith said to reporters, visibly angry. “There’s about one hundred and twenty people in my lecture, where is this thing going to sit?! Who came up with this idea?!”

“I can barely deal with my students so how am I going to deal with a nine foot crocodile in my Spanish class?” another professor chimed in, “I think I might just have to retire”.

The animals are due to arrive on campus Monday afternoon with the protest being held Monday morning on the green up until the caravan of various animals arrives. Protest signs have been made by professors saying things such as “Giraffes are too tall! They can’t fit through the hall!” and “Unless your Komodo Dragon can learn International Economics, keep it out of my classroom!”

Despite the professors plans of protests, the program will still be moving forward with the new animal community integrating itself into Delaware.

“I’ve heard cool things about Komodo Dragons,” said one ProUD volunteer, “I mean not about their guiding abilities, but just generally cool things about them so I’m hoping to get one. Maybe they’ll end up listening better than dogs. Not really sure how I’d get it in the Towers but whatever I’ll figure that out later.”

ProUD is expecting a large amount of buzz around the new animals, but asks that we remind students that they are sadly not allowed to pet the guide-animals, partially because some of them may be tempted to bite off hands. The president also wanted to remind the student community to “watch out for animal feces in and around the green, because that’s about to be everywhere. We’re in the process of finding massive shovels and garbage bins to dispose of it.”

With the goal of making the university a far more diverse community, ProUD remains undeterred in their efforts to expand the program no matter the backlash they receive from professors. The president ended her statement saying “we hope to further the expansion, who knows what we’ll add next.”

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