As recruitment season comes to a close, reports say that while their female counterparts were busy at Clayton Hall, the bored frat boys put down their Natty Lights and picked up -you’ll never believe it- porch decor! A staff member from The Black Sheep took the liberty of going on a solo recon mission to rank frats by the porch-decorating abilities of UD’s Chads, Thads and Brads:
6.) Kappa Sigma:
There was an awful mini pumpkin perched in the middle of the back lawn. The frat boys deserve some praise for minimalism, but good, honest people would have never allowed that ghastly out-of-season pumpkin to happen.
5.) Delta Tau Delta:
Vomit. Just vomit, everywhere. Across the porch, on the lawn, all over the wooden posts. I even got puked on by someone who was vaping on the balcony, but I forgave him because he had the heart to mutter a little “sorry” after the fact, and even offered me a few rips off his vape. Sure, manners aren’t the first thing that you think about when judging the exterior design of a house, but I don’t discriminate. My educated ruling is that good manners definitely rank higher than a pumpkin in the spring, but the vomit really set back the DTD boys.
4.) Pi Kappa Phi:
There were terracotta pots of sprouting weed buds, swear to god. I’ve gotta hand it to the boys for not Pi-Krapping the bed like the vomit-prone DTDs, although clearly they’re not the smartest considering that they literally advertise their illegal activities in broad daylight: good for business, but not the best reflection of character. 4th place, losers.
3.) Kappa Delta Rho:
Alternating hollow grapefruits and dildos spelled out the letters KDR on this porch. Of course, this scene did render the steps entirely useless; still, the mixed media of fruits and dildos was truly a successful risk taken by the KDR bros, awarding them a higher rank than the less ambitious Pi Kapps. You can tell that KDR always risks it for the biscuit. Congratulations on winning the bronze, you talented fuckers.
Those damn FIJI guys were all in a circle on the porch. Upon closer inspection, however, it turns out that everyone in that circle was jerking each other off. Shocking and (only somewhat) traumatizing as it was, I personally think that the use of humans as sexual decor was a profoundly unique choice made by FIJI. It also showed that they’re all super confident about their penises. Second prize, not too shabby.
1.) Theta Chi:
There were flowers on their lawn, god damnit. First place, standing ovation, congratulations on not being a completely horrible frat. 10/10, would pass out on this lawn at 2:37 am on a Thursday.
Frat boys definitely aren’t the first people you think of when you look for home decorating inspiration, but maybe it’s time for that to change. Our staff member attests that she’s seen things that she herself never would’ve even imagined as being decorative, but somehow, those frat geniuses made it work for them. It turns out that some frat boys are much more capable than we’ve all been giving them credit for.
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