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Recent STAR Campus Research Study Discovers “If You Ride Your Bike on UD Campus, You Are a Douchebag”

 

There has been a lot of speculation lately about whether or not UD students who ride their bikes to class are actually the worst. A recent study by UD’s STAR research center on the cool new STAR campus has shown that they in fact, are.

 

“After extensive research and countless tests, we’ve concluded that those bikers who pretend like they’re part of the traffic on main street, even though they’re usually just the cause of traffic, are huge douchebags,” said Jance Armstrong, head of the research team.

 

It’s not exactly groundbreaking news for most students; they’ve long held these suspicions, but for most it’s nice to finally have some closure.

 

“I was walking on Main Street, where there’s a sign on the sidewalk that specifically says ‘walk your bike’ and this guy literally just wasn’t walking his bike. He was just riding his bike, weaving in and out of students walking to class like normal people,” said one disgruntled walker. “I’m glad the STAR center has finally confirmed what we’ve all believed for so long.”

 

Nobody actually knows what the point of this new STAR campus is, but if they keep producing groundbreaking studies like this, the administration might finally begin to see the support they’ve been craving.

 

Witnesses have described a scene that took place at the corner of South College and East Main across from Trabant early this semester after they heard a narc at the corner explaining the sweet new bike route to the huge cycling-douche that was stopped there at the time. They said they could “hear the excitement in their response, just absolutely raving about new ways to make people’s walk to class a little more dangerous and a lot more annoying.”

 

 

“I just don’t see why these people can’t walk to class like everyone else,” complained Sally Spencer. “Just this morning, I was walking through the Green in between classes and this huge douchebag on a bike nudged my shoulder like he owned the walkway. I stumbled and he didn’t even stop to say sorry!”

 

This type of encounter is far too common for UD students, and that’s why the STAR campus researchers felt the need to look into this issue.

 

“This type of cyclist carnage happens often on our campus, and these people must be stopped.” Said Armstrong, “we’re happy to be involved in this sort of groundbreaking work at the STAR campus, and we look forward to working with the rest of the UD community to put a stop to this cycling epidemic.”

 

The University has yet to comment on the high number of douchebags on campus. With recent devotion to diversity at UD, it’s expected that President Assanis will recommend that we welcome these cycling douches with open arms.

 

Students, on the other hand, have staged an impromptu protest on the Green, similar to the one we saw erupt spontaneously last semester, except this time picket signs read “god hates cyclists.” They hope to see all walkers in attendance.

 

Students have long suspected that these cyclists were huge douchebags, and this recent study from the new STAR research campus proves this suspicion to be true. The community is currently weighing options to remedy the outbreak.

 

 

 

 

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