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Report: YouDee’s Eggs Stolen for Easter, Feelings Hurt

 This past weekend, countless children dyed and hunted for eggs thinking that they were supplied by a fluffy white bunny. What these children’s parents may have left out, however, is the corresponding tragedy that befalls UD’s very own YouDee every single year. According to the mascot, those eggs were not the Easter Bunny’s to give.

“Those were my god damn eggs,” said YouDee in a police report. According to witnesses, the hen was fuming; but above all, in hysterics for his lost babies. One student, while with his grandma, overheard him screeching, “Where the hell would eggs even come out on a bunny? His asshole?”

YouDee went on to list several precautionary steps to the UDPD officers he was speaking to, which he had taken in hopes of preventing this situation, to show that he had not been negligent.

One student overheard him talking about how he successfully negotiated a deal with the KDR boys to “bash every kid in with a baseball bat like they did with the clowns,” but then complained that “they went on to consume dangerous, borderline disgusting levels of Natty Lite the day of and failed to uphold their duties.”

Another claims that he spotted the bird on South Campus the Saturday before Easter, looking “Kirkbride-Jesus-esque” as he lectured the cows about how “all kids must be trampled or UDairy would stop accepting their milk.” According to the same witness, though, the cows “just weren’t about it.”

The officer in charge of the case, Tony Silver, commented that while the mascot’s methods of prevention were indeed troubling, sympathy urged him to let them slide.

“You’d never think that, of all people, children would be the ones to take your kids,” Silver said when questioned about the case. “It’s tragic. I’ve even kept in touch with the guy ‘cause I felt so bad – sometimes I send him corn kernels to let him know that I haven’t forgotten about him.”

The fightin’ Blue Hen, while mourning, is far from giving up. Post-Easter, eyewitnesses from various neighborhoods report that they’ve found YouDee in their backyards, intimidating their children from running around outside. Many UD students have also seen YouDee at the Hen Zone scarfing down corn while playing Fortnite – presumably to learn how to properly build walls and barriers to better protect his eggs during the next battle.

“Parents better be wary about letting their kids play outside for the time being,” warned an ominous YouDee to reporters. “Educate your little turdbags about the truth of Easter…or else.”

 

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