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Spring Semester is Here, but More Importantly, Winter Session is Over

We’re just going to say it: Winter session sucks. We don’t care if you “met your best friends” or didn’t wait in line for the bars during this stupid freezing fucking punishment of a winter break. Don’t believe us? Here are some reasons why winter session lovers suck, and their opinions suck, and they’re wrong.

7.) No more sneaking into Cleveland Ave backyards to dage alone:
We can’t not dage, but the whole fucking city is empty. There’s no one to dage with, so you have to do it alone, it’s pretty stupid, but that’s just winter session for you.

6.) You don’t have to listen to the same shitty professor everyday:
Winter session professors are special assholes because they don’t want to be teaching a class over break any more than your dumb ass wants to be taking one. Thank god for the return of 50 minute classes.

5.) Every Uber isn’t Uber Leroy:
First of all, winter session is cold as balls so you have to pay to be driven seventeen feet from your North Chap porch to Kate’s. Second, no matter how many times you cancel and reorder, it’s Leroy. Every time. His whole insta feed is just you, reluctantly posing in the back of his ford with your groceries. This is what hell is like. The return of spring means the return of Uber drivers who do the right thing and don’t talk at all.

4.) LARPing is back on the green:
These god damn LARP guys, I don’t know why they do it, but I love that they do. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing people that are undoubtedly more of a freak then you are. They’re a bunch of weird fuckers, but it just feels right to have them there.

3.) Your Adderall Plug is Back on Campus:
This is bullshit. How in the hell can you be expected to write a 15-page final paper when your adderall plug, who almost certainly lives somewhere on Cleveland, is spending his long ass winter break home in north Jersey? Thank Christ he’s back to skipping class and crushing Nattys with his “off-campus fraternity” brothers.

2.) No more settling for a less than ideal hook up:
It’s just you and 37-year-old June on the dance floor at Jefe. June is a nasty bitch. She’s got a long history of continued drug use that has left her in less than ideal condition, but you’re a blue hen and you’re never too “good” for any hook up.

1.) You no longer have to fucking ice skate to class:
It seems like you wake up every god damn day during winter session and there’s a nice sheet of ice lining the streets and sidewalks. You winter session kids just fucking love throwing on 15 layers of clothes and forcing yourself to take them off when you get into Smith 120 and it’s 9,000 degrees in there.

Winter session and its supporters are scum of the earth, it’s a shitty month at school and it’s boring as shit. If you met your best friends during winter session, you and your friends are straight losers because winter session is garbage. Now that spring semester is back, things are back to normal, and you winter session squids can crawl back into the hole you came from.


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