For 4 years, Blue Hens are forced to spend their Saturdays stumbling past the promised land, the Grottos porch, just waiting for their 21st birthday and a chance to look as cool as everyone out there thinks they do. We created a timeline of a typical Saturday at Grotto’s so that all Banned or Baby Blue Hens are able to get an idea of what really goes on inside Newark’s Playground.
2:37 p.m.: Dage gets busted and the “Grottos round up” call rings out.
2:48 p.m.: Arrive at Grottos and see the line is to the tree already.
2:54 p.m.: Complain. A lot.
3:02 p.m.: Notice we’ve only moved 3 feet in the last 20 minutes. Decide it’s time for a trip to the Growler.
3:17 p.m.: Make it to the front where my favorite people are awaiting my arrival. Hand Darrell your ID.
3:19 p.m.: Girl from your freshman floor comes running at you as you walk in. Spills her entire H2L on you and swears she’ll buy you one to make up for it. You will never see her again.
3:36 p.m.: Fight your way to the bar. Discuss with roommate about how to get served faster. You decide to flash the bartender.
3:37 p.m.: Other roommate tells you this is an awful decision and pulls your shirts down.
3:43 p.m.: Place an order for 12 Slaters although you’re only there with 4 people. Try to find friends to take the others.
3:45 p.m.: Can’t find friends. Do 3 Slater races in a row.
4:09 p.m.: Someone gets up from their table outside. You rush it. Have to fight off 4 frat boys with your bare hands. You got the table.
4:35 p.m.: Boy you fucked freshman year comes to say hi. Haven’t talked to him in 4 years.
4:37 p.m.: He asks if you’re leaving soon and if he can have your table.
5:12 p.m.: Got bored of sitting and playing Pizza Box game. Decide it’s time for laps.
5:22 p.m.: Bump into guy from one of your classes. Talk about how much you hate the class and how you should pregame the next one together at Grottos. This will never happen.
5:37 p.m.: Roommate wants to win a duck.
5:41 p.m.: Comfort roommate because she just spent $7 and still has no duck to show for it.
6:03 p.m.: Attempt to switch up your drink order. Get nervous and order your 5th H2L of the day.
6:21 p.m.: Get asked to leave for Juuling. Pretend to walk out then just circle back around.
6:30 p.m.: Caught not actually leaving.
6:58 p.m.: Return home to rip more shots.
10:02 p.m.: Return to the Grottos line.
10:41 p.m.: Get denied for being too drunk.
11:04 p.m.: Head for Kate’s.
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