It’s Friday night and you’re alone. What the hell happened to your plans? A few texts later, you’ve heard it all—here are the top ten excuses your friends give to not hang out with you.
10.) “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”: Not only is this excuse one of the hardest ones to talk your friends out of, but it also makes you realize that you should be upping the ante on your book reading and not on your Fireball. And yet Fireball will never judge you for your Friday night choices…
9.) “I got no sleep.”: Congratulations! Hanging out with you, making memories, etc., is less exciting than staying in and laying on a bed for a recommended eight hours!
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8.) “I have to do this thing with my floor, sorry!”: While this excuse is upsetting, it offers the opportunity to bust your lying friend. Go to the ice skating rink, CalTor, or the Green and look for a group of 40 freshmen and one confused upperclassman. If you can’t locate the mob, call him out!
7.) “Starting to not feel well.”: Jager tastes like cough syrup, so why she won’t rally just hurts. Hope she enjoys her sweaty, sad Netflix coma when she could be in a sweaty, sad frat basement with you.
6.) “My girlfriend really wants to hang out, sorry.”: Only after throwing a two-hour pity party for your lack of a lover will you realize that he’s not even in a relationship.
5.) “I’m just feeling ugly today.”: This is a classic lady text that translates roughly to “let me lay in my sweat pants.” Instead of being totally ditched, you could offer to come with a movie. If that’s turned down, then it’s a “let me lay without pants” type of evening, instead of a “let me get laid” night.
4.) “I haven’t eaten, and I’m too poor for Main Street.”: Is this a test to see if you’ll pay for his food, or a subtle way of sharing he’s stuffing his face with whatever leftover pizza’s lying around from the drunk trip to Papa John’s yesterday? Either way, hope he enjoys his hungry, lonely evening while you snack on a quesarito with another homie.
3.) “I’m not in town dude, I went home!”: Some students live close enough that they can leave Friday night and spend meaningful time at home. You, on the other hand, do not. Enjoy spending your time scrolling down your Newsfeed and liking pictures of your friend doing a keg stand uploaded five minutes ago!
2.) “It’s laundry night and I have nothing to wear.”: If Beyonce’s new haircut can become a fashion trend, so can the baggy braless t-shirt look. Tell her that an outfit is like a cover, and no one should ever judge it.
1.) “I’m not drinking tonight.”:The four words of death. Your friend might still come out with you, but he knows that no one wants to drag around a sad sack of a sober college kid. Let him go — he needs to think about his passive aggressive ways.