After President Ass-anus’ emails leaked last semester, the University of Delaware has been working to implement new measures to keep UD’s information secure. Following months of deliberation, the University finally decided to go with the dreaded 2 Factor Authentication. Although there has been a lot of grumbling throughout the college community about the new inconvenience of this system, The Black Sheep discovered a lot of much worse ideas that were turned down.
5.) Write Something You Love About UD Every Time You Log In:
In an effort to promote school spirit, member of the cheerleading team Sally Pepp proposed to “have everyone write one nice thing about UD! It will totally get people pumped and school spirited! And we might even see a couple of people in the Cockpit! It’s like totally a bummer to have to cheer to empty stands or even worse, old people!”
4.) Complete a Survey For The Weird Scientists that Hang Out in The Basement of Purnell Every Time You Log In:
Director of Graduate Research Dr. Lou Kitup suggested that “Students be obligated to complete one survey before they log in. We’ve been having a rough time acquiring data about the student body and our funds for lame incentive gift cards are beginning to dry up. It’d be a huge help if students could just take a quick 5-minute survey each time they login. It really only takes a couple of minutes.”
3.) Submit a Blood Test to Health Services Every Time You Log In:
In an effort to collect better data about the prevalence of STDs on campus, Director of Health Services Sue Wabb proposed to “have students come for a Blood Test once a month before they can have access to their email. We will get a better handle on the STD epidemic, and they will be forced to come see us at the most inconvenient location on campus. And we’ll get more practice being doctors, we need all the help we can get!”
2.) Recite the Fight Song Every Time You Log In:
An official from the BHSA (Blue Hen Security Agency) explained “any loyal Blue Hen will be able to sing along with the Fight Song chimes word for word, even if they did take that banner with the lyrics down from Memorial. If you are a real Blue Hen, you would be able to belt out the tune with ease before accessing your email.”
1.) Kiss President Ass-Anus Every Time You Log In:
Admitting that the necessity of this action was all his fault, Ass-anus tried to come up with a plan to both improve security and his PR rep. He presented this idea with the following statement “I’m really sorry about all this. You can forgive me right?” He then proceeded to make a kissy-face, and the idea was subsequently shut down.
In light of all of the terrible ideas that could have been implemented, having to type in seven different passwords before logging in doesn’t really sound so bad now. The Black Sheep hopes this gives you some perspective on the 2FA situation. If you know anything about how UD you makes decisions, you know it could have been way worse.