6 Best Words of Advice From The Kirkbride Bathroom Stalls

author-pic at University of Delaware  

If you ever find yourself literally at the bottom of the downward spiral that is Kirkbride’s stairs, consult the bathrooms on floor 0 for some uplifting advice. Anyone with a bowel movement long enough to read the extensive literature scrawled into these stall walls will walk out of the bathroom feeling lighter in more ways than one.

WOMEN’S ROOM:

6.) “UD students = drunk, broke, horny kids”:

This is a demographic of the student body that you won’t find on College Board. At any time, a UD student will occupy one or all of these categories. So if you find yourself saying “all of the above,” know you’re not alone.

5.) Kirkbride Jesus: “NO SEX”

A: “Fuck that. Have as much sex as you want. Do you. Say Fuck the haters.”

B: “or just fuck the haters, convert them with your hedonism”:

Pictured here is clap-back to the original “No Sex” message. Many Hens like rocking the nest, and should enter these types of sexual relationships with plans to change the other person. “Convert them with your hedonism” and give them such an unbelievable orgasm that they want to change their ways and become a decent person. Studies have shown this works 90% of the time.

4.) “Shit Happens Fo Real.”:

You may find yourself regretting that “Spicy Asian Burrito” you had for lunch at Pencader; so we suggest that instead of trying to time your lady-like bowel movements to be in sync with the exclamations of Kirkbride Jesus, take this person’s advice. Post-Pencader diarrhea and many other uncomfortable hurdles are a natural part of Blue Hen existence. Shit does happen, “fo real.” Forgive yourself when facing the many challenges of living daily life as a Blue Hen.

MEN’S ROOM:

3.) “MACHI/MARIACHI”:

Ever catch yourself saying something and wish you hadn’t? This stall advises to just cover it up with a fun buzzword and hope no one notices. If one moment you get so caught up in brotherly love that you accidentally etch the name of your off campus fraternity into a wall, but then immediately regret it, just cross it out and write “mariachi” under it. Everyone will think it was just a spelling mistake.

2.) “T/R @ 12:45 Understall Play”:

Tuesdays and Thursdays are always the worst days here in Newark. A good way to liven up your midweek lull is to meet this guy for an exciting time of “Understall Play.” Take a page from this dude’s book and try to meet some new people between classes.

1.) “Free hotdog”:

The white placard featured here has replaced a glory hole whittled with the utmost craftsmanship. Here at the University of Delaware, social deviation in any form is frowned upon. If your art has been misunderstood or even covered up, just know that your work has probably impacted someone and the legacy of your craft may still live on, just as this one does in the words “Free hotdog” and an arrow pointing to what everyone knows was your gift to the world.

Every Hen knows that the days are long and the weeks are short here in Newark. It’s easy to feel uninspired as your fleeting youth passes by. The glorious days of beer soaked shoes and suspicious rashes will all too soon come to a close, so if you need some motivation stop by the bathrooms in Kirkbride; the wealth of knowledge here is greater than all of the reference sections in Morris combined.