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The Top 7 Non-Sexual Ways UD Turns You On

 

What’s better than sex? Not much, to be honest. (Sorry if you’re a virgin, but that’s not really anyone’s fault but your own at this point since, you know, you go to UD.) However, there are some things on this godforsaken campus that make it suck a little less some days, almost to the point where you’d really rather be eating a $4 Del Pez breakfast burrito instead of getting it on in a dirty CR dorm room. Here are some things about UD that’ll send some non-sexual shivers down your spine.

 

7.) Finding an open table by the windows in Trabant:

 

It’s like the heavens have opened up and a choir of angels begins to sing as soon as you see someone unplug their MacBook charger from the wall next to one of those glorious, coveted Trabant tables. Sweet, sweet victory-gasm.

 

6.) Telling Stratton from Sigma Apple Pie to fuck off after getting cat called on North Chap:

 

Could there be anything better than sauntering down North Chap, fresh out of Kate’s at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night, on your way to go get some booty, and receiving the opportunity to fling both of your middle fingers directly into Pledge Master Stratton’s stupid fucking face? That’s the most release he’ll ever give a woman, and it’s not even sexual.

 

5.) The sound of all the parents leaving Newark after parent’s weekend:

 

Do you hear what we hear? It’s the sound of the Smiths and the Turners and the Whosits getting stuck on the Delaware Memorial bridge on their way back to Jersey while we take our bongs out of our underwear drawers and put them back on the kitchen table; and it’s hot, sensual music to our ears.

 

4.) Going to the 5 and Dime the night before Halloween and still finding the perfect accessories for your slutty costume:

 

It’s been through the ringer and back after enduring both homecoming week and the upcoming Halloween festivities, but sometimes the 5 and Dime pulls through and gifts you with the last pair of Devil’s horns in stock that you can wear with your nothing else. The mere idea of this phenomenon occurring just made us cum—hang on, we’ll be right back.

 

3.) Leaving to go to a Penn State football game instead:

 

What? Everyone’s thinking it. Watching a winning team is easier to get off to, anyway.

 

2.) The distinct smell of Grottos wafting down Main Street:

 

The scent of slaters, bad pizza, and drunken embarrassment all rolled into one acts as an aphrodisiac for UD students. One minute you’re on your way to your art history lecture in Willard, next thing you know you’re bangin’ someone behind the Grottos dumpsters. Shit happens.

 

1.) Strolling into Deer Park early as fuck on a Tuesday night, completely avoiding the Jefe line:

 

No amount of foreplay, orgasms, or fulfilled sexual fantasies could surpass the sheer ecstasy of not having to wait in the Jefe line. Just make sure you don’t get hit by the train.

 

If you’re a sad, lonely person, unable to find a mate for yourself in Newark, fear not! There are still other ways to turn yourself on: all you have to do is take a stroll around campus; discover all of the little orgasms that UD has to offer, hidden around every corner.

 

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