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Tuesday Doing That Thing Where It F*cking Rains Again in Newark


In a stunning meteorological development that surprised absolutely no one, Tuesday arrived in Newark early this morning as per usual and decided to do that thing where it rains all over the place. Townies, Blue Hens, and everyone in between looked out their windows and silently acknowledged the impenetrable grey ceiling overlain by Tuesday, that deposits large amounts of moisture onto the city of Newark exactly 52 times each year.


“Our research has shown that, for some inexplicable reason, Tuesday always brings with it a huge amount of atmospheric moisture,” explained Delaware State Climatologist Sonny Never. “Then, once it arrives, Tuesday will go and dump it over the city of Newark. We aren’t quite sure why this happens, but it’s a pretty consistent phenomenon from what we’ve observed.”


To a listener within the city limits of Newark, lots of unique and wonderful sounds can be heard when the day occurring after Monday (but before Wednesday) arrives. One can enjoy the sweet melody of 200,000 gallons of water plummeting to earth for 24 uninterrupted hours. This is often accompanied by the soothing cacophony of hundreds of umbrellas simultaneously bursting open along with the deafening squeaks of damp rubber boots making contact with the tile floor in the Gore Hall rotunda.


“I checked my calendar, and as far as I can tell, it seems like Tuesday is here,” lamented UD junior Hailey Winters. “My dorm on East Campus isn’t that far from the Green, but I still skip my Tuesday classes since I get intimidated by the massive river that besieges Academy Street on a weekly basis.”


Tuesday, particularly those of the Newarkian variety, brings with it a variety of unique things, including discounted nachos, hordes of intoxicated millennials congregating in an eating establishment to listen to 3 hours of acoustic covers of popular songs, and the disappointing realization that, yes, it is only Tuesday. Blue Hens heading to their classes that coincide with the arrival of Tuesday tend to sport their favorite hooded garments made of synthetic materials, too, although it’s still unclear whether or not their clothing choices and Tuesday are related in some way.


“During my first semester at UD, I went through this weird shaman phase where I’d do rain dances on Monday nights,” explained UD senior Renee O’Seedee. “My dances seemed like they were working flawlessly since it would always rain in Newark the next day! However, someone told me that it wasn’t my whitewashed rituals that were summoning rainstorms, but that it was actually just Tuesday doing what it always does when it comes here. Needless to say, I’m an atheist now.”


We reached out to Tuesday for comment, but have yet to receive a verbal response. The clouds appeared to form a giant middle finger in the sky right over the Trabant University Center, but that was it.


University president Ass-Anus has reportedly been spotted stomping through puddles on Academy Street and enjoying the novelty of Rainy Tuesdays™ while the rest of the student body continues to suffer through the weekly drenching.


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