UD Satire News Writer Still Figuring Out How to Market Useless Skills to Employers
According to recent reports, parody news writer and graduating senior Holden Kata is still unsure how to frame the many years he spent creating stupid shit about UD for The Black Sheep in a way that is marketable to future employers. Strong writing skills are undoubtedly a desired trait in many positions, however, as the seasoned satire enthusiast reviewed his portfolio of publications recently, he started to worry about whether his next boss will ask him about the questionable ways in which he’s put those writing skills to use.
“There have been at least two occasions where I’ve stood in some kind of waste receptacle and had my photo taken solely for the LOLs,” recounted Kata. “Other times I’ve just shat on some of my alma mater’s local celebrities. It’s not like I can just put ‘2+ years of experience in dumpster diving, knowledge of Ass-Anus, and proficient in Kirkbride Jesus’ on my resume without getting some weird looks.”
While he has no problem using his personal Facebook account to share his published work on his page or in the University of Delaware Class of 201X Facebook groups he hasn’t been blocked from yet, Kata decided to use the pen name Sleazer Rodney to conceal his identity from employers Googling his name. He’s worried that his government job superiors won’t really get his twisted, meme-laden sense of humor. Nonetheless, in the event that his future boss somehow brings his usually inappropriate writing up in conversation, he’s got a few clarifying responses at his disposal.
“People have asked me if I’m worried about whether my stint at The Black Sheep might come back to bite me in the long run when I’m seeking non-writing jobs, to which I unequivocally reply, ‘yes.’ However, I’ve mentally prepared myself for when I get asked about my work. Some quips I’ve rehearsed include ‘coincidentally, there was another Holden Kata on campus,’ ‘the website is glitchy and none of those were mine,’ and ‘Kata? I don’t know her.’”
The fact that his aspirations in life don’t involve writing satire articles doesn’t mean all the time he’s spent typing away at his keyboard and/or being publicly indecent was a waste. No other UD students can say they’ve climbed up a tree in their graduation attire, drove over various slices of pizza from Main Street pizza places with his car just to see which slice holds up the best, posed with a Tamagotchi in front of Kirkbride Jesus, or stand in front of an overhead and project their face onto a projector screen in Gore. While it’s not clear whether those are accomplishments that one should be proud of, he can at least say he Dared to Be First™.
“Could I have spent some of the time I spent not taking the University seriously doing something more productive? Completely. Do I regret a single minute of that time? Nope. I try to live my life like Joe Biden where regret, along with all other negative emotions, is not part of my emotional repertoire. Just because I’m a Blue Hen doesn’t mean I have to feel blue.”
In case the whole “go to grad school and score my dream job” thing doesn’t work out, he has an application for The Onion saved on his computer as a plan B.