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UD Turns Post-Apocalyptic Now That School is Out for the Summer

With students having graduated this past Saturday, the campus of the University of Delaware has turned into a scene straight out of Mad Max. The population has diminished to such an extent that the locals have broken into factions to protect their turf until the day students return back for the Fall semester to put the campus back in order.

The division was made the day after graduation when the townies realized every student had officially left Delaware, meaning the whole town of Newark was virtually pointless. Three factions have formed all originating from Main Street: Grottostopia, Kate’s Kastle, and the Deer Park Posse.

UDPD said they “really couldn’t care less, just don’t touch the university owned buildings.” The chief of police chimed in and said, “it’s none of our business, we only care about arresting stupid drunk college kids and now they’re all gone so we’ll be sitting here doing nothing until they get back.”

According to the leader of Grottostopia they, “Managed to collect a large portion of land because of the bouncers who simply scared the crap out of everyone who got in our way. We now have hold over NDB, Brew Ha Ha, that Mac and Cheese place that still hasn’t opened, Snap and virtually everything up until the Five and Dime.”

“That’s honestly all we need in our lives,” said one bounder. “Our pitchers, our bagels and a place to buy overpriced UD clothing and $5 posters whenever we want, man.”

Kate’s Kastle members believe that they will be able to take over Grottostopia territory in due time. Because of their control over Chipotle, Tasty Wok and Red Bowl, they anticipate people will become restless.

“It may not seem this way at first, but when people are cut off from their chinese food they lose their minds,” said one Kate’s member. “We hold more power than they know, and we’re sitting on it until the time comes. Like a Lo Mein pipebomb.”

An attempt was made to discuss future strategy with the Deer Park Posse, but unsurprisingly they were all incoherent, as one usually is while there. It seems as though they are happy as long as there was a continuous flow of alcohol, so virtually the same as they were before anyone left school.

No Man’s Land is, as always, Barnes and Noble. But, no one wants to be in there so it’s smarter to just take your chances out on the streets with the turf-war.

As Summer finally begins, only time will tell who has what it takes to rise to the top of the Newark food chain, and who will fall to the bottom. May the odds be ever in their favor.

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