Yes it’s true, happiness is a grandiose illusion and sheer disappointment is all but inevitable. Much like when you chose to come to DePaul, you figured everything would be great. The Magical Kingdom of higher learning for say. Well, it ended up being more like the eh…Six Flags of college, with equal risk of decapitation. Here are the ten times DePaul really let you down.
10.) $cholarship Money:
What were you thinking when you agreed to come here? The first thing you should have done after receiving your acceptance letter was to write a follow-up letter to DePaul asking if the scholarship they offered had a typo or was nothing but a poorly told joke. Your white (1/24 Cherokee) skin and 3.1 high school GPA totally entitles you to at least a full ride.
9.) Basketball and Food Trucks:
Look, we didn’t pay for season tickets because we actually give a fuck about watching DePaul roll some ankles in an embarrassing loss to Simeon Career Academy. We just thought the food trucks would be there after every game handing out free food. More Cheesie’s!
We can all agree that the largest Catholic school in America has a pathetically low number of white Catholics. We need to build a wall, it’s going to be a great wall, so great that the Chinese will have to rename theirs the “Ok Wall of China.” The wall is going to keep out our “diverse” student body, and we’re gonna Make DePaul Catholic Again!
7.) Amount of Abortions:
All this talk of wall building has the student population riled up, and since DePaul won’t give out any free condoms like the cool uncle Loyola University would, many students have to spend their Saturday down at the Planned Parenthood with some Alpha Phi chick trying to scrape together enough quarters for an abortion.
6.) Burning Dick:
Speaking of PP, is anybody else’s dick burning? You might think it’s chlamydia, but really it’s a case of “ASchoolThatUnderstandsTheSeriousnessOfSTI’SButWontOfferFreeProtection-itis.”
5.) Lack of Sex Symbols:
Every University has a public figure who they hold near and dear to their lotion and tissues. In our case that somebody would be Father Dennis Holtschneider, but now that he’s getting the boot…what’s the point of even going here, ya know?
4.) Father Dennis Holtschneider Getting the Boot:
Again: what the fuck DePaul…what the actual fuck did we do to deserve this? WHO ARE WE GOING TO CALL DADDY NOW? Jeffrey Bethke, the vice president of DePaul? We think the fuck not.
3.) Public Safety and the Punchline of School Safety Everywhere:
Face it, Public Safety doesn’t make you feel all that safe. Our campus spawns a breathtaking 38 acres, but that might as well be the Wild West because Butch Cassidy and his gang are gonna beat the shit out of you on Belden Ave, and Ol’ Sheriff Vincent DePaul won’t be there in time to save your ass or your backpack.
2.) Fest/PolarPalooza/DAB Events in General:
You know who DePaul students really enjoy listening to? A bunch of one-hit wonder bands from 2006, so let’s make sure we get them to play at every event ever held by DePaul. PolarPalooza headliner? Snow Patrol, and they can play that one song. Fest headliner? Hmmm…how about Metro Station, and they can play “Shake It” as many times as they want.
1.) The WiFi:
Great, you have to submit a research paper on D2L in 20 minutes now the WiFi is deciding to crap ou-.
This list could go on for days but our WiFi can only take so much stress. This time we’ll just have to spare the food. Or we can turn a blind eye to which offshore bank account our tuition money is being funneled into or the fact that Ben Shapiro and Milo Suckadickoulos are returning with their little red hat army. For now, DePaul students, ask not how DePaul can let you down; ask how we as DePaul students can let down all of mankind.