Top 10 Ways To Improve Your CTA Commute

author-pic at DePaul University  

So, you’re finally fed up enough with your commute aboard the CTA that you want to do something about it. Well you came to the right place. You’ve tried headphones, but you can’t drown out the bullshit. You even wore sunglasses so you wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anybody, but Randy the drifter is dead set on creepily staring into your soul. News flash: The CTA is so bad that conventional methods of improving your commute just won’t work. Don’t panic, The Black Sheep has the 10 best ways to ride that Red Line with ease!

10.) Lick the rails:

There’s no better way to improve your CTA commute than never riding the CTA ever again! Just one lick of that bad boy will do the trick, and just let the volts do the work. Before you go licking rails just remember that the two tracks aren’t meant for licking. It’s actually the third rail towards the middle.

9.) Take a shit:

Hey, if that crackhead did it that one time, you can too! Just drop those draws and do your thing. The sight of you dropping a dookie should send everybody running, and having a train car to yourself is a relaxing start to your day. With this move any train can be a Brown Line!

8.) Plan a picnic:

Grab that basket, a blanket, and some munchies because this one will turn your commute into a relaxing afternoon at the park. This is particularly effective on those rainy days or in winter when you’re missing that sweet sunshine.

7.) Smoke that Devil’s lettuce:

Speaking of munchies, there’s no better way to start the day than with a wake-n-bake, bruh. Pack a bong, bowl, blunt, or any apparatus of your liking for this one. While the beggars might ask you for a rip (or seven) you can just tell them it’s too loud in there to hear them. Remember to put the ill in illicit!

6.) Become a beggar:

Your wallet is feeling the pain because DePaul needed some extra bucks for that basketball stadium. Solution? Make a couple bucks while riding the rails! Grab a cup and dress in your rattiest attire; next thing you know you’re living large. A Red Line to Jackson or a Red Line to fancy livin’?

5.) Sell your soul to Satan:

Great, class is in 10 minutes and your train is delayed because some idiot decided to lick the rails. Not a problem! Many people don’t know this but the CTA is actually owned and operated by the Devil, so sell him that soul of yours and he’ll make sure that you’ll be on time.

4.) Hold a satanic ritual:

Ok, so number 6 didn’t work because you forgot you don’t have a soul. It’s fine. Most people don’t. The answer for us normal, soulless people is to have a satanic ritual. Praise the Dark Lord, and he’ll get that train going where you got to go. Hail Satan on the right at Fullerton!

3.) Speed date:

The CTA sucks when people try to talk to you, but great when you pick your prey. Mom’s been wondering when you’re finally going to get a girl to date you, so shut her up with 20 dates! Walk around the car and find the girl you’ve been looking for all along. Just remember: Chicago is a pretty accepting place, so don’t be afraid to score some sausage, too. Nothing wrong with trying to double your chance at the dance.

2.) Get naked:

If we’re being honest, we all wish nudity wasn’t frowned upon. So why wear the treads when you can feel the wind blow where the sun don’t go? This method might be one to save for summer. Either way, there’s no better way to relax than to be one with nature. Try some meditation with this one to really connect with the universe or whatever you hippies are doing nowadays.

1.) Switch it up:

Like sex, you gotta switch it up every once in awhile or else it loses its luster. Our past nine ideas can only get you so far, so don’t be afraid to get creative to improve your day! Ever had a naked picnic? Now you can! Dating sucks, so try that naked too. Women love it when men are straightforward, so show those intentions with a little added bonus. You’re guaranteed a second date. Maybe try our favorite — smoking pot naked. Trust us, it’s only slightly frowned upon!

Now you have 10 ways to better your days. Just remember, for these to work you need to pay no regards to anybody. It doesn’t matter that a mother and her four kids saw you naked or that they got cancer from your dope smoke. You deserve to enjoy your day your way. Happy traveling!