None of us here at The Black Sheep are climate experts. In fact, we’re just a couple of asshats with a keyboard and a little spare time. However, some excellent investigative reporting revealed that it is indeed freezing as fuck outside. How cold is that? Thirty-two degrees is freezing, and anything less is freezing as fuck. Heck, weather this extreme might actually be cold enough to put a big hole in some liberal hippy’s “global warming” theory (maybe even bigger than the hole your Dodge Ram left in our ozone layer)!
“How can we be warming if it’s so cold outside?” Look guy, nobody cares. If we did care about global warming, we’d be going to classes on a Friday or actually know what a…McGowan is. Still, we’re not really here to debate, we’re simply offering up some alternatives to staying warm.
You’ve already tried it all: a thin North Face jacket, $2 Old Navy gloves, one of those dumb hats with a fluff ball on top that never stood a fucking chance. What you haven’t tried is our most effective method. No, we’re not talking about the warm love of Jesus Christ. In fact, we recommend you choose the opposite by cozying up with the Dark Lord Satan if you’re serious about staying warm this winter.
We understand you devout Catholics may be a little reprehensive about becoming a follower of Satan, but trust us, it pays off almost immediately once you discover all the amenities the Dark Lord can offer. Satan can often be found in the restroom at Kelly’s Pub, collecting souls from unsuspecting DePaul Students. Go there and offer him your soul and you soon will feel the warmth of a thousand suns residing inside of you. Don’t panic! That feeling is just tormented souls escaping the fiery infernos of Hell coming to possess you!
Once possessed, you will radiate heat wherever you walk, and you’ll be instantly graced with shorts weather. The biggest benefit is of course the warmth, but an added bonus is you’ll make some friends. Once people see a freak walking down the street melting the snow with every step, they’ll be as drawn to you as they are to a heater on the CTA platform.
New friends and Miami Beach weather. What more could Satan have to offer? Savings! Switching to Satan could save you an average of 15% or more on this year’s heating bills because why crank up the heat when you are the heat. Are all of your rich friends trying to plan a spring break vacation? Save yourself and your wallet from all that Cancun bullshit, stay home and stay warm in your own little getaway. All thanks to Satan.
This brings a whole new meaning to being a Blue Demon. So what if come summer your body will incinerate under the hot sun? Yesterday you tweeted you wanted to die, anyway! In case we haven’t given you enough reason to switch to Satan, use promo code: “DePaul<3Satan” and you’ll be entered to win leftover Stu food for a week. Happy Hailing!
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!