Audiobooks to Listen to Post-Coitus

author-pic at DePaul University  

A slow drag of a cigarette. A bite of leftover pizza. A run to the bathroom because your mother installed a healthy fear of urinary tract infections. These are a few favorite things people like to do after making love. It’s time to add one more to that list. While there is ample choice of music to set the mood of seduction, there must also be careful thought of what to play after the woo hoo has whoo hoo’ed. The last two to ten minutes were about the body; now it’s time to focus on the mind. Pop in an audiobook and settle in for a sensual ten hours of storytelling with your partner. Here are this school year’s official recommendations from The Black Sheep:

Note: The following have been chosen for their diverse expressions of sensuality. Once could call this a “sensuality spectrum,” which would be apt considering society does not have enough spectrums to conversationally point out in 2016.

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling, Narrated by Jim Dale:

Jim Dale won a Grammy Award for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, although any of the series will certainly set a precedence that your bed is magical no matter the time of day. Snuggle up next to your muggle babe and weep openly when Cedric Diggory dies. It’s important to show that you are more than a sex machine. You are soulful and introspective. There is also an overwhelming opportunity for sexual double entendre, such as: “You’re good with a wand,” “Oh, I thought Moaning Myrtle only stayed in the girl’s bathroom!” Important: now is the perfect time to ask what house they would be in. Kick out anyone whose answer makes you hate them (Hufflepuff).

The Girls: A Novel by Emma Cline, Narrated by Cady McClain:

The Girls is to this year as Girl on the Train was to last year. Get that? This is your sexy LL Cool J way of saying that you keep up with book trends. That’s hot. Follow Evie as she is drawn into a carefree, 1969 summer of following a Charles Manson-esque cult. Play this when you feel like you need some psychological insight into your bedfellow. Look into their eyes with a penetrating stare and ask what needs to be known: Would you ever join a murderous cult?

 Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg, Narrated by Elisa Donovan

Does your lover think that you only exist at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night? WRONG. As Brittany Spears aptly notes, “You better work, bitch.” You’re a go-getter! You have a LinkedIn! You’re a shooting star of a human being, soaring up the corporate ladder with everything to gain and zero fucks to lose. This is what you play when you mean business. LEAN THE FUCK IN.

The Shining by Stephen King, Narrated by Campbell Scott

If the person you’ve sha-la-la’ed with is new, you might be thinking this is a fresh start. So did Jack Fucking Torrance when he started his new job at the Overlook Hotel. But as winter sets in, the beautiful property begins to feel isolating and sinister. You don’t have a five-year-old Danny to whisper “Redrum” through the identity of his pointer finger named Tony. You only have your paranoid mind, shocked to realize that this person you projected perfectionism on is only a human being. The horror! Climb out the bathroom window before it’s too late! GO!

Imagine your sexual partner a week after the deed is done. They flip past Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on ABC Family. They scroll past a picture of Jack Nicholson’s man boobs on a yacht on Instagram. Their first thought will be of you. An audiobook is the perfect way to break the post-coitus ice this school year. It will give you mental space to drift off and wonder if they’re ever going to leave, or are you supposed to hang out for a while? The only thing left to do is press play.

Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: