Campus tours are running all over the place, interrupting classes and just generally annoying the hell out of us, the ants have returned to the freshman dorms, and everyone’s just, like, super horny. DePaul University can be a chaotic place in the springtime. And adding to the carnage, there are those weird semen trees blasting cum all over the quad.
No one’s sure exactly what our campus semen trees are, but they sure are an important part of campus life at DePaul. Countless students have spent lovely summers stretched out in hammocks beneath the semen trees, and spent awkward springs constantly wondering if they have dried cum on their face.
Everyone agrees that it just wouldn’t be the same school if you didn’t have jizz-smelling pollen squirted all over you when you walked through the quad.
“The semen trees are what’s really magical about the Lincoln Park Campus,” said Emily Knasta, a senior English major. “Hopping on the L and feeling the whole train car look at you because you smell exactly like you just took a bath in a few hundred loads is the true DePaul experience.”
No matter how important the smell of semen is to DePaul’s campus culture, the origins of the semen trees remain unclear. Our research team here at The Black Sheep has found records of the semen odor dating back to our school’s founding in 1898.
“I experienced the strongest Olfactory Sensation this day, May 19th, 1898,” writes James Golben, an early DePaul graduate student. “I assumed that that Odor was emanating from the remnants of my beloved William’s emission this morning drying to a Fine Crisp upon my face. But it seemed to be coming from the trees themselves!”
Numerous theorists at DePaul have speculated on the origins of the semen trees. According to one theological scholar, the trees were sent by God to the campus, as a punishment for our student body not being good enough little sluts for St. Vincent. Another professor of geology at Columbia believed that the smell was a result of residual semen in the groundwater from generations upon generations of DePaul students jacking off in the showers. And in a far-fetched theory, one professor of biology attributed the normal odor to the Callery Pear tree, Pyrus Calleryana, whose white flowers are usually accompanied by the smell of masturbatory emissions. But that seems ridiculous.
Whatever their origins, the DePaul semen trees are beloved by the campus administration. They seem to believe the smell of ejaculate will be very attractive to prospective students. Or, maybe, they just like to gather beneath the semen trees to take a few deep breaths and pretend their marriage isn’t completely dead. Either way, the semen trees are here to stay.
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