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DePaul College Republican Uneasy About Not Having Anything to Whine About

One member of the DePaul College Republicans is having trouble coping with President Trump’s first major legislative “win” since being in the White House a whole eternity/ year.

“I just don’t find myself getting as unnecessarily upset about anything anymore,” said Josh Ackerman, 19. “I was watching Betsy DeVos’s Senate Confirmation and I just kinda thought to myself ‘huh, things are goin’ pretty OK right now.’”

The DePaul College Republicans have been mostly missing in action for the majority of the 2017 school year. This inactivity is in contrast to last year when DePaul College Republicans made walking to the Student Center a Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Marco Rubio propaganda parade.

“A bird landed on my shoulder the moment I heard about the travel ban,” said Josh Ackerman. “I remember just kind of sitting in the Quad and smiling for a little while. It was uncomfortable. I’m not used to the happiness.”

According to Ackerman’s roommate, Brian Moore, a fellow DePaul Republican double majoring in political science and philosophy, DePaul Republicans have been too busy watching Trump’s cabinet members get voted into office streamed on Breitbart’s Facebook page to really be a prominent voice on campus anymore.

“Basically, we stock up on everything we need,” said Moore. “7-11 Taquitos, gummy worms, sweet tea, what have you, and watch everything unfold from home now. We don’t really have to do anything!”

Ackerman’s recent behavior has not gone unnoticed. Professor Nikolai Spencer, Ph.D., of the political science department said, “I think Mr. Ackerman has been a little disheartened by the recent lack of major involvement in unwanted and senseless bickering in his life.”

“Mr. Ackerman is a fine student,” the professor continued. “He’s just lost all of his will to really annoy various groups of people.”

“Sometimes I just find myself dozing off imagining the America Trump will build for us,” claimed Ackerman. “A country cleansed of the liberal’s secret socialist agenda, whitewashed of all the world’s trouble; I could revel in that fantasy land for days.”

Sarah Majors, one of the three tenants in the apartment below Ackerman and Moore’s apartment, has also noticed a serious change in her neighbor’s behavior.

“They used to have these little ‘Grand Ol’ Pre-game’ meetings together every now and then during a Trump speech or something,” said Majors. “Then, they’d go out and raid a poor unsuspecting art supply store of all their chalk.

“I obviously can’t throw a banger every time something good comes on the news,” said Ackerman. “I’d never get a chance to go to sleep and go to class…and of course church on Sundays.”

“We pretty much just have to fill our time,” said Moore. “Eventually, when everything that Trump is planning starts to set in and whoever’s paying all those protesters runs out of money, we’ll be sitting pretty for the next four years. Absolutely no negative political backlash, foreign or domestic, in any way.”

However, that’s not to say Ackerman still can’t find some turmoil in his private political life.

“The simple fact is that we don’t have to make a big noise on campus anymore and I’m bummed,” said Ackerman. “Trump won, so we don’t really have to do anything… I mean, what are we going to chalk that our president hasn’t already tweeted? So until Mexico decides to pony up the dough for the wall, he’s kind of doing all the crazy stuff for us.”

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast! 

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