Most of us can say that DePaul University is the quintessential college experience. However, nothing comes without a downside, and the main disadvantage of our wonderful school is the vicious cost of attendance. The tolling of the tuition bill bell is nigh this quarter, and the best way to fight any hindrance is to be proactive. So here is a list of some ingenious tips to help you all deal with debt!
4.) Fake Your Death:
Now, this one may come as a surprise to many folks but, deceased individuals cannot default on loans. This is why one of your best solutions for debt is faking your own death. Imagine the look on the loan agents face when they realize you have found a clever loophole in their predatory system. The best part about faking your own death is that it is very easy to accomplish these days and it is wildly intuitive. First things first, find a form of demise that is applicable to you. Maybe a barn fire? After you disappear, send a letter to the government telling them that you are in fact dead. That usually does the trick.
3.) Pull the Ol’ Switcheroo:
Maybe a permanent solution to a permanent problem isn’t much your style. Understandable. If that’s the case, this next tip is for you. It requires a bit of wit, but if executed correctly, you can say goodbye to those loans. What you need to do is when the Loan Man comes to your house, you tell them that you are not who they think you are. When they ask who you actually are, give them a fake name. Say something like, “I am Owen Wilson, star of the 2010 film Marmaduke.” They will surely apologize and tell you that they enjoyed your performance in the 2006 film You, Me, and Dupree. Just like that, you’re free of financial chains.
2.) Sham Your Way Into A Relationship:
Your next best solution for the whole debt thing would be to finagle your way into a parasitic relationship. First off, you need to find a victim. Make sure this is someone you can really connect with. Take them on a few dates, you know, manipulate them into thinking that you have their best interest at heart. Subtlety is key here, so really commit to the part. Marry them, and maybe even start a family. Progress a career so your “significant other” doesn’t get suspicious. Start paying the monthly payments on your loans so your cover doesn’t get blown. 20 or 30 years later, you should be clear of debt and your partner won’t know how hard you just played them.
1.) If You Can’t Beat Em’ Join Em’:
This next solution is going to require a business degree and financial resource. Those two things are straightforward enough, so let’s get into the plan. You’re going to create your very own loan agency. That’s right, you’re going to become the very thing you hate. However, instead of the money signs that those covetous businessmen have in their eyes, you’re going to have a searing desire for vengeance. Work your way up through the mean streets of the business world until you’re the top dog, the apex predator of loan agencies. From there you’re going to buy out your enemy company, absolve yourself of debt, and fire the villainous individuals who bamboozled you in the first place.
Hopefully with these genius tricks you are one step closer to achieving your future life as a fiscally strong citizen. Good luck!