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DePaul Republicans Fulfill Quarterly Quota to Remind Campus They Still Exist, Are Still Terrible People

DEPAUL — In an apparent cry for help or act of self-harm, Radio DePaul recently elected to hold a debate between DePaul Socialists and DePaul College Republicans. While it was mostly a boring debate between “We think people should have healthcare!” and “My dad says Affirmative Action lets too many brown people into the Wheaton Country Club!” DePaul Republicans walked away with their quarterly quota of saying something so stupid and shitty it elicited a few people to say “Oh, they’re still around huh?” 

“Yano, we use a Magic 8-Ball to decide how we’re going to cause controversy on campus every quarter. We’ve invited Milo, chalked the sidewalks, invited another Nazi-sympathizer I can’t remember the name of right now… it doesn’t matter, really, so long as we own the libs, right,” Chet Covington III told reporters after the debate. “So long as we remind people we exist, and force people to know that they have to hear our opinion, because it’s an opinion, and we have the physical ability to push air through our vocal chords and say it, means everyone needs to respect that.” 

Other DePaul students, despite the constant shitstorm political vitriol that is 2018 and to a further extent the internet in 2018, had sort of fallen into a naive peace in not having to remember DePaul College Republicans were “still a thing.” 

“God, when they chalked and invited Milo, it was so annoying. Like we get it guys, you think it’s funny to make immigrants nervous because your daddy was too busy to love you or whatever,” said Colin Jablonski, a junior at DePaul. “But man, these last few months all I’ve had to really feel shitty about was the weather, literally everything about Trump, midterms, finals on the horizon, the CTA just sucking in general, everything about Twitter, my parents, my girlfriend…” Colin trailed off before snapping back to reality, “and now it’s just like, ‘Oh yeah, these fuckin’ assholes are at our school too. Great.'” 

As this small quote during a small segment on a student radio show, it will most likely fade into the ether without people really caring or putting too much mental energy towards, much as you do a screaming baby on the L. That being said, all we can now wonder is what the kookie DePaul College Republicans will come up with next. Fingers crossed it’s become adults and form opinions that don’t mirror their parents’. 

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