DePaul’s Sexiest Statues Ranked By Sexiness

author-pic at DePaul University  

There are a lot of ways DePaul’s campus can make your panties wet. From the sub-par athletes to the mozzarella sticks at Ranch, there’s almost no need for PornHub. But some of the most overlooked pieces of eye candy are the bronze and limestone hunks and hunnies situated around campus. But since all statues are NOT created equal, this is our definitive ranking of DePaul’s hottest statues.

5.) One of the Million Crucifixes in the Church:

Ash Wednesday 2014

Anything in or around the church is at the bottom of our list. Not saying that Jesus wasn’t fully bangable, but church is pretty much as vanilla as it gets. The Catholic Church is the reason for the rampant STDs around campus, and anything associated with that is pretty much a boner-killer. The crucifixes only get an honorary point because, you know, bondage. 1/10 for you, Jesus.

4.) That Weird Clock Penis:

clockpenis

This is like that guy you make out with at the bar at 2 a.m. You thought he was hot, but you were also ten Fireball shots deep. Just like the Polo-clad piece of white bread you just tongue punched, this statue doesn’t seem to serve a purpose other than to confuse people. The only reason it’s above anything on this list is because it is so obviously phallic that it’s hard to ignore. 2/10 for you, clock penis.

3.) St. Vincent’s Circle(jerk):

stvinnycircle

This statue orgy is smack dab in the middle of our list, mostly because it’s ~experimental~.  St. Vincent looks irresistible in his modest man-dress and the other dude’s perky ass is just out there for the world. The only reason this isn’t higher on the list is because it’s also a little creepy; it kind of feels like the statue equivalent of three gross dudes using Tinder Social. 4/10.

2.) Father “These Hands” Egan:

fatheregan

No one can tell you a damn thing about Father Egan but we all know that you don’t ignore a man with hands like that. While his proportions make him look a little bit like a failed Darwinian experiment, his huge honkin’ hands just skyrocketed him to the top of this list. 7/10.

1.) Daddy Denny’s Future Honorary Statue:

fatherholty

This is just hopeful thinking, but please Vinny, erect a statue of the true icon of DePaul University. Holty has the perfect build to make a wonderful statue, and his gaze is just leery enough to be frozen in chiseled rock for all of eternity. Daddy H would make a wonderfully sexy addition to the Quad, perfectly in sight for the pervs in U-Hall to gaze at him every night as they drift to sleep. This statue gets a 10/10 on the hotness scale.

For a school so Catholic it’s hard to believe they would erect such lustful statues Don’t they know that’s a sin? But if these rock-hard babes aren’t enough for you, there are plenty of other statues around campus to creep on.

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