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DePaul Pivots, Uses UVA Funds To Make Campus “More Luxurious”

After finding themselves in possession of extra funding thanks to the UVA referendum recently passed, the DePaul administration has decided to move forward with plans to add some “elements of luxury and glamour” to both the Lincoln Park and Loop campus. Adamant about denying the referendum to promote the furthering of undocumented individuals’ higher educational career, an inside source claims the change in heart comes directly from the DePaul Republican community’s lobbying.   Rather than distributing the excess money to those who desperately need it, DePaul Republicans suggest the university “utilize it to begin some particularly fancy projects.” 

“Listen,” one Depaul Republican shakily told himself in front of his bathroom mirror, “this is a better way to help undocumented students. Why give them an education when you can get them ‘acclimated’ to ‘our’ culture?” Starting fall of 2017, a complete carpeting of Fullerton Ave. will commence. The project, set to last five years, will add a touch of extravagance to the street’s currently bleak status. The carpet will stretch 50 miles west of Fullerton’s humble Lake Michigan beginning.

“We’re currently trying to decide between two very similar beige colors,” says the university’s exterior designer, Paul Brown. “Bleached Apricot has this amazing warm tone, but Prairie Sunset puts such a unique twist on the beige genre. It’ll be a difficult choice for sure.” Brown would like to emphasize that both choices will still be no match for the countless number of coffee stains and tire marks the carpet with inevitably endure. 

The second venture DePaul has allocated funding to is the installation of chandeliers to each and every CTA rail car. These lighting fixtures will provide an elegant flair the public transportation desperately needs. “Working with the city to get this project underway has not been easy,” claims Brown, who has extended his responsibilities to this task as well. “Officials kept saying it was ‘ridiculous’ and ‘unnecessary,’ but those are words I am far too familiar with to let get to me! With a little nagging, they finally caved!” Brown continued to explain that although the CTA riders might get bothered by all of the swinging and shaking of the chandeliers, they should probably just suck it up, adding that they’re “just a bunch of haters and losers anyway, ” and “just not used to a little class. Ever heard of Uber before?!”

The third project DePaul has decided to invest in is the hiring of a permanent professional harpist stationed in the DePaul Center’s 11th floor dining area. The soothing melody produced by plucking the strings on this delicate yet hefty musical instrument is set to hit DePaul’s campus in the winter of 2018. Brown has agreed to tackle this project as well: “Since I was doing all the other projects, I figured I could commit to this one too. I don’t know anything about harping or harpooning or whatever you call it, but I’m a white man! I can do just about anything when I set my mind to it and/or a large institution gives me a shit-ton of money for it!”

By 2019, DePaul University will become the most luxurious campus not only in Illinois but possibly in the entire nation as well. With the new glamorous additions, the university will transcend to an elite status that the school’s Republicans so fiercely desire.

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