You meet a dude and he seems like a keeper: funny, interesting, good-looking and most importantly, polite. With a never-ending array of douchebags and dudebros to pick from, it’s a complete breath of fresh air. However, a few dates in, you start to notice some strange occurrences. Instead of ordering his normal drink, he starts sipping on Natty Light. He changes his major from political science to simply “Business.” You may think you’re going crazy, but you need to ask yourself: Is he a bro in hiding? While you may not want to know, any and all of these attributes can indicate that your new man is secretly a bro.
5.) He bought tickets to Country Thunder:
While the gesture initially seemed like a romantic surprise, after the giddiness subsided, you were left with several questions. Who the hell are any of these people in the lineup, anyway? Upon further research, you discover that a majority of the acts are of the subgenre known as bro-country. It’s just a coincidence, right? He can like Jason Aldean and not be a bro, right? Wrong.
4.) He has a SoundCloud:
This a definite red flag. Let’s stage the scenario: he sends you a link to his SoundCloud page one fateful evening. While you’re apprehensive, you try to keep an open mind. He’s an artist, kinda! You play one of the tracks, impeccably titled “Gang Shit 69.” The lyrics are baffling and nonsensical, with him dropping lines such as, “Ran the streets of River Forest, but Chi-city is my kingdom.” Our suggested course of action is to run far, far away, where his lack of talent can’t find you.
3.) He wears shorts during the winter:
It’s the dead of winter, snow fills the streets and the frigid temperatures finally give Public Safety something to do. Instead of dressing for the weather, he decided to wear shorts and slides. What?!?! You try to talk some sense into him, but he only responds with, “It’s not even cold, I don’t get why everyone’s bitching!!” He claims to find all the warmth he needs in his Cubs hoodie, but you’re not so sure. It’s almost like he’s trying to prove his masculinity against the elements. And if there’s one thing that bros are known for, it’s desperately trying to prove their masculinity.
2.) He joined the men’s lacrosse club:
Lacrosse has become synonymous with the prototypical dudebro. Since he goes to DePaul, a school that could not give less of a shit about athletics, you figured he was a safe choice. Upon visiting his room, however, you discover a lacrosse stick propped up against the wall, almost like a trophy. You assume it’s his roommate’s, so you don’t think much of it. You later learn that it’s his and pray that it’s a relic from his high school days—the man he used to be. When asked, he proudly declares that he is a part of the DePaul men’s lacrosse club. You laugh, assuming it’s all some kind of sick joke. His face reads truthful and dread fills the air. Get out. Get out now!!!!
1.) He’s a “feminist,” but… :
You were positively thrilled when he first shared his liberal views with you, with your joy intensifying upon his declaration of being a feminist. Discussing the importance of social justice and equal rights for men and women was completely exhilarating, at least in the beginning. Then he started to make comments like, “Why are there so many comedy movies out starring only girls? Guys are so much funnier.” It seemed harmless enough, but it persevered like a virus, with every word out of his mouth creating a knot in your stomach. It even got to the point where he tried to debate the struggles of womanhood with you as if he knew more. As Liz Lemon would say, “That’s a dealbreaker!”
While it may be scary to acknowledge that your new flame is a bro in disguise, it is better to confront the issue head-on than live a lie. In short, if your guy starts displaying any of the listed attributes, it may be time to say goodbye. While it may be hard to let go of something you once thought was so pure, keep this in mind: bros don’t have girlfriends, they just have “bitches.” And you deserve more!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: