The Ray Meyer Fitness and Recreation Center is best known for its array of food and drinks at The Bean, and something as arbitrary as your favorite smoothie from the gym can reveal some serious shit about you. We at The Black Sheep took it upon ourselves to conduct in-depth taste tests of the most popular smoothies at The Bean and cross-referenced the flavors with super scientific data about the human psyche. Here’s what your favorite smoothie says about you:
This smoothie is pretty inoffensive with its overall subdued flavor. It has hints of mango and some orangey notes, but there’s really nothing to hate and nothing to love. Like this smoothie, you probably are a true moderate and try not to offend people. You likely voted third party in the last election and will probably live out your life in a comfortable middle ground of apathy. More likely than not, you’ll be some sort of financial analyst and retire at the age of 60…go you!
Whoever thought this smoothie was a classic go-to was dead wrong. Not only is this smoothie more boring than a piece of white bread, there is so much goddamn banana (and not in the weird banana-Laffy-Taffy type of way). This smoothie tastes like an expired Chapstick from the ’90s. If this is your favorite smoothie, 10/10 you only have sex in the missionary position and your favorite restaurant is Chili’s. Truly a pinky-white smoothie drank by pinky-whites.
First of all, this smoothie is the color of a fucking skin graft and tastes like baby vomit. If this is your favorite smoothie, we regret to inform you that your taste buds probably don’t work. Your life has also most likely been in an awful downward spiral since 2013. You like to tell yourself that you’re a “risk taker” and wanted to prove it to yourself by getting just a little more adventurous than Strawberry Dream.
This smoothie is slightly less offensive than some of the others on this list, but the flavor profile is still not pleasing. This concoction actually has granola in it, because that’s what the people want? Unfortunately this smoothie has all the negatives of a Nature Valley granola bar, and not to mention, the name boasts too much school spirit. If this is your favorite smoothie there’s a good chance you’re an athlete and are trying to stay on brand.
Almond Berry Swirl:
Honestly… what the fuck? This smoothie is all almond. Even though the menu says there’s fruit in this bad boy, once you take a sip it’s like an almond came in your mouth. There is literally no other flavor. If this happens to be your favorite smoothie, you are probably confused. Go order something else.
According to smoothie law, it’s universally known that a triple berry smoothie can do no harm. This smoothie is a real crowd pleaser with strong orange notes. There’s a slight tartness to it, so you’re probably low-key slutty and we support you.
This smoothie packs a tangy punch to your tongue. There’s a tartness to it that is leveled out by a smooth, citrusy vibe. Overall, this smoothie is pretty fucking good and tastes like sunshine in your mouth. If this is your favorite smoothie, congratulations, you’ve done it. You’ve probably reached some level of personal nirvana where you’re unbothered by all the bad things in life.
At the conclusion of our taste tests, we found that most of the smoothies at The Bean suck – which makes sense considering how much of the student body sucks! At the end of the day, at least you aren’t ordering a milkshake.
Get your Darty Tanks while they’re hot and you’re cold!