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FOUND: DePaul Campus Tour Guides’ Training Manual

Welcome to the DePaul Tour Guide Training Manual. Being a DePaul campus tour guide is a tough job. There are two, MAYBE three, different routes you could take a group of unsuspecting visitors on, and even that’s pushing it. Still, DePaul University is filled to the brim with beautiful architecture and history just waiting to be discovered by a group of unsuspecting, and totally interested, potential freshmen. Here is a list of stops to take your group of good North Shore Christian teens on when touring our beautiful campus, and remember to avoid any and all scary-looking homeless people. The city is your campus, yes, but they don’t know the city city yet. 

Welcome Center:
Begin the tour in the Welcome Center conference room. This is the Welcome Center, so campus tours are pretty much the room’s only use. The blinds are only open to make our campus look more professional and organized.

Stop 1 — John T. Richardson Library:
This is perhaps the most important building on the tour. Everyone who visits a college campus judges it based on the library. University libraries, such as our own, are bastions for art and odd little models of buildings that have nothing to do with the campus. You won’t need to say much to make this building look cool, but try your hardest not to refer to it as JTR while you walk the enthralled group through its beautiful hall and on to…

Stop 2 — The Quad:
This is a good place to answer questions and make jokes about Chicago weather. Oh and if you forget to mention FEST, you’re fired.

Stop 3 — McGowan North and South:
These buildings are a priority for all tour guides. Prospective students receiving a liberal arts degree on this campus need to know the location these buildings. Otherwise, when they’re juniors or seniors and frantically trying to complete their scientific inquiry classes, they’ll have to embarrass themselves by asking a health science major where their organic chemistry class is.

Stop 4 —Munroe Hall:
Munroe is the standard DePaul University dorm, complete with not-puke stained carpets, and zero-crab-ridden bed sheets! It is a fine establishment worth their money. Remember if you take your group inside, you must swipe everyone in at the front counter. It is our most important and well-enforced safety procedure. Showing it off to the parents will surely prove to them how annoying it will be for their kid to try and swipe in after a night of heavy drinking at Kelly’s. 

Stop 5 — Schmitt Academic Center:
When you enter the SAC, do not make it clear that this is more than one building. If the SAC is good for anything, it’s confusing the hell out of people trying to navigate it. If a prospective student decides to attend our fine university, let them figure out the Schmitt Academic Center the hard way, just like everyone else.

Stop 6 —Arts & Letters Hall:
As long as the group doesn’t visit during the weekend, this is a perfect building to show off DePaul’s more artistic side. The impressionistic paintings and sculptures make this a building truly worthy of its 50%-correct name. Alas, there are no letters in this hall, but there’s a dope new statue outside which is just as cool.

Final Stop — Student Center:
End the tour at the Student Center. This is your opportunity to hype up places like Ranch and Kitchen before prospective students realize how shitty the food really is. Point out the dining locations, but do not get too close. If the parents notice the food prices they may try to stop their kid from attending DePaul.

After you have taken your group to these spots so they can get a real taste of DePaul, walk them back to the Welcome Center to recover. Remember to give visitors a stack of totally unnecessary papers about DePaul University and the shit that they just witnessed before they leave. That way, when they go home and they look at all the other acceptance letters they received, they’ll be sure to pick our fine university.

Need a study break? Listen to our podcast, featuring Elon Musk’s dog walker!


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