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A DePaul Frat Boi’s Guide to Hiding Your Stash on Campus

These are trying times for druggies. Undercover cops are snatching up substances so much that they should rename Sheffield Avenue to 21 Jump Street. However, worry not! There is a plethora of hiding places for DePaul students to keep their stashes safe and out of harm’s way from those dastardly police. Here are a number of different hiding spots to keep your “junk” safe and secure on campus without the fear of those pesky pigs getting their hands on them.

Between books in the Library:
Let’s be honest here, have you ever actually rented a book from the library? Of course you haven’t. The John T. Richardson Library and that weird one on the 13th floor of the Lewis Center is full of academic books that are never even taken off the shelf. You won’t be able to fit much between two pages except for maybe a little baggie of coke or an dime sack of weed.

A DePaulia Newsstand:

DePaulia newsstands are everywhere and for some reason, they’re always full. You could easily hide a couple rocks of meth or an ounce of weed in there. Put the stash toward the bottom of the stack, that way you’re guaranteed that no one will see it. PLUS, free DePaulia = free rolling papers.

Under Monsignor Egan’s Coat:
Not many people know this, but there’s a compartment small enough to store a small stash, located conveniently around Monsignor Egan’s beautiful (assuming limestone) posterior and crotch area. You can hide pretty much anything up that beautiful social justice warrior’s ass. But be careful, snooping around a beloved DePaul figure’s sinful region is the best way to get yourself noticed by campus security.

A SAC Locker:

Assuming one of those sniffing dogs the Po Po brings around doesn’t come by and rat on you, a SAC locker is often your best bet. They are completely private and provide an ample amount of space to store every drug you could possibly imagine. Hell, a locker’s got so much space in it that you could probably run a mini-pharmacy out of the place without anyone noticing for the better part of a quarter.

Phone Recycling Box:
These things are practically empty boxes just sitting randomly in DePaul’s lecture halls. If you name it, you can probably hide it in one of these. If you happen to open one and find actual recycled cell phones, you might as well hide your drugs anyway because no one’s going to be coming for either.

Behind a Painting in Arts and Letters:
There are just so many paintings to choose from! Find a painting in a relatively quiet section of Arts and Letters and bust a hole in the wall behind it. Make the hole as big as it needs to be (depending on the size of the stash) and cover it up again with the painting. You won’t be able to get to your drugs on the weekends, but you can rest assured that your stockpile of horse tranquilizers is pretty much secure.

Hiding your drugs from the cops is no small or easy task. You might find that using one of these seven strategies could help save your stash some day and keep it as safe as possible from thieving law enforcement. These strategies are so foolproof that you’d practically have to hand the drugs to a cop in order to get caught.

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