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A Handy DePaul Hater’s Guide to Chicago Red Line Stops

Of all the wonderful CTA lines that a student could choose to ride during their time here at DePaul University, almost all of them will choose the magnificent Red Line due to its ease of transport between Lincoln Park and the Loop Campus (and because if there was any other line available that got students from point A to B more efficiently, literally ANY, it would be packed with DePaul students trying to avoid the Red Line). Here is a guide to a few of the stops a DePaul student might find themselves at on a regular day in their college life.

 

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Loyola: There may come a weekend during your time here at DePaul when you think to yourself, “Hm, I should head north and visit the Loyola campus. That could be fun.” When this happens, slap yourself. Continue until that awful thought has completely been forgotten. Stop it.

Addison: In situations when the W must be flown, you can head north two stops and party at the many establishments surrounding Wrigley Field. However, you will most likely just end up getting yelled at on the sidewalk by a homeless person.

Fullerton: This is home base for most of DePaul’s student body. Make sure you have your U-Pass because you will certainly be greeted by Chicago’s finest gatekeepers at the turnstile to this wonderful stop. These officers will be looking for anyone who thinks they can outsmart the long arm of the law and sneak in their freeloading friend who is visiting from home.

North/Clybourn: Frat boys know this as the Buffalo Wild Wings stop. Only stop here if your rich white parents can afford clothes from stores like Patagonia and Nordstrom Rack on top of St. Vincent’s already modestly priced tuition fees.

Clark/Division: Are you graduating and want to live somewhere hip and cool where you’re surrounded by your own annoying, stuck-up brethren? If so, this stop may soon become home. You can get to multiple drinking locations off this stop in case you need to quench your over 21-years-of-age throat. The Original Mother’s night club is located off of this stop as well if you fancy getting a knife in between your ribs at some point during the night.

Chicago: You might notice your train car getting a little packed after this station. That’s due to the Chicago stop being a haven for the poser Loyola students who think the city is their campus more than we do. This stop also gets you to the  Magnificent Mile where might find yourself asking, “What’s so magnificent about this mile?” It’s for sure the inability to walk down the street at faster than 2 miles per hour. Everyone loves tourists, so if you want to see some of Chicago’s finest, just look around here.

Grand: If you consider yourself a foodie, this is your stop. The restaurants all around Grand are begging to take your disbursement money. Grand is also the stop with the best view of the large, luminous building in the center of the city that makes every true Chicagoan gnash their teeth in anger and babies cry for no apparent reason: Trump Tower.

Jackson: If you can’t see the buildings, try walking out of the cloud of smoke and duck into Chipotle where you can frantically try and wolf down a burrito before class. After class, you can stand on the platform, listen to some live entertainment and awkwardly avoid your former classmates as you wait for the train to rescue you.

For most DePaul Students, the Jackson stop is the end of the line and you’ll almost never have to go farther north than Fullerton; which is good because you can avoid our dirty Jesuit neighbors to the north at Loyola and everyone else in the city to the south past Roosevelt. When you’re tired of all the political rallies that the Lincoln Park campus has to offer, or if the packed elevators in the Loop Campus that never seem to run more than one at a time are just too much for you to handle, just remember the Red Line will always be there to transport you from one hassle to the next.

 

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast! 

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