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How to F*** Jesse McCartney When He’s Here for FEST

In a stunning turn of events, the DePaul Activities Board, or DAB, actually managed to get someone relevant to perform at DePaul’s annual music event, Fest. To the delight of pre-teen girls and DePaul students everywhere, Jesse McCartney, teen dream and musical heartthrob of the early 2000s, will sing on our very own Quad May 26th. The presence of this literal sex god in our midst has left every single DePaul student from repressed frat boy to artsy stoner chick wondering how they can possibly get their genitals on/into Jesse McCartney. Here’s The Black Sheep’s step by step guide to doing just that.

Step 1 — Have a Plan:
Obviously, you can’t just go rushing into this. This is Jesse McCartney we’re talking about. One flip of his 2000s skater boy haircut and he can get anyone he wants. You need to plan your seduction carefully and you’ve got to ask yourself the right questions: Do you have what it takes? Will you be satisfied with just a quick blowjob, or do you need the whole McCartney schlong? Would you let him do weird stuff with your feet? These are the questions you need to seriously consider.

Step 2 — Prepare Your Attack:
Once you’ve decided whether you’re going to let Jesse McCartney pee on you or not, it’s time to put your scheme into motion. Figure out where Jesse McCartney will be staying before the concert and wear an elaborate disguise in order to make your way up to his room. Plot out his route to the stage so you can slip him a quick handy-j as he walks past. Kidnap him and hold him for ransom. The possibilities are endless!

Step 3 — Watch Out for the Competition:
No matter what your plan to score some Jesse McCockney, remember, every single DePaul student will be competing for the same prize. Expect some serious competition. How can you be sure your plan will succeed compared to his other suitors? A good way to increase your chances is to be conventionally attractive or to murder anyone else you suspect might be trying to steal your popstar dick. Do whatever you can.

Step 4 — Gloat:
After you’ve successfully banged Jesse McCartney, it’s time to gloat. If you’ve managed to film a sex tape, be sure to post it on all your social media. Your mom will be so proud! Alert the news media, and be sure to tweet out selfies from his bed. The other bitches need to know who is most desperate to fuck their childhood crush.

If you use this step-by-step guide, you will be certain to have done the impossible and fucked Jesse McCartney. Be sure to thank your friends at The Black Sheep by tweeting any nudes he may have given you to @BlackSheep_DPU.   

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