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The Lazy DePaul Student’s Guide to Lincoln Park Elevators

As the winter weather continues to suck the energy out of Chicago residents, lethargic DePaul students are more dependent on elevators than ever before. Unfortunately for DePaul students, the elevators around campus aren’t known to be the most reliable. To remedy this, The Black Sheep has supplied you with a guide to the finest, and the not-so-finest elevators located around campus.

The Library:

The two elevators located in the John T. Richardson Library epitomize a love-hate relationship. Any Adderall consumer knows that as glorious as the drug may be, it transforms your body into a literal human furnace, causing your sweat glands to secrete like a pig about to be slaughtered. Climbing that dreaded staircase is the worst nightmare for the thousands of students vulnerable to this sweat-inducing drug. Therefore, they rely on these elevators for protection. However, arguably, these elevators are the fucking worst. It takes more time for them to go up and down then it does to do your actual homework. Not to mention the doors take a thousand years to open and close. And no matter how many times you incessantly press the >|< button, it doesn’t fucking close.

Levan/O’Connell:

These are some sad excuses for elevators. If you’re prone to claustrophobia, stay away. Seriously, as far as fucking possible. Imagine ten students with backpacks on stuffed into a single bathroom stall. And there you have it. Students literally have to fight their way into the elevator in order to secure a spot. It’s like survival of the fittest out there. The only thing worse than the size itself is the wait for it to actually hit the first floor. One moment you’re in the first millennium BC and then by the time the elevator actually arrives, you’re all the way in 1st century AD.  

Arts and Letters Hall:

 

Arts and Letters Hall has been blessed with a gift unlike any other building, the cream of the crop, FAST elevators. There is precisely no better feeling than knowing you won’t be five minutes late to class because of a stupid elevator. The only downside is all the lazy assholes who take advantage of their speed by riding them only to go up one single floor. Then you’re forced to wait there just to accommodate the needs of some prick who couldn’t walk up a damn flight of stairs. They have it so easy and they don’t even know it.

The Student Center:

Yeah, they have an elevator and yeah people actually use it. But where does it go? What is located on this mysterious “third floor”? There are conspiracy theories regarding what exactly goes on in this elevator. Only a select few know the truth, but it remains a mystery to most.

Schmitt Academic Center:

 

Although elevators are present in the SAC, only total weirdo’s actually use them. Instead, escalators  (otherwise known as a poor man’s elevator) are used as an alternative to the elevators for reasons that are still being investigated. Obviously, proper escalator etiquette is confusing to socially-awkward college students. Some people march up them as if they’re on an important mission or going to the moon or something, while others stand there aimlessly, unsure of what to do next. Are there some sort of guidelines for riding an escalator? Unfortunately for those who have somewhere to be, the moving stairs are awfully narrow, which leaves little room for those anxious escalator-riders trying to reach the top as quickly as possible. Unless of course, they choose to pass you by aggressively groping every inch of your body.

Well now you have everything you need to know about the Lincoln Park campus elevators if you’re a lazy piece of shit, if you even made it to the end. 

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